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Feeling so Good!!

Feeling so Good!

Came back from hiking feeling sore and refreshed. I was grateful to be home and see my stinky cats. I was happy to feel a warm shower. Unfortunately my injuries and soreness lead me to 3 days of minimal movement, in which my cats turned my house upside down in a matter of minutes. They were hanging from the ceiling and breaking my plates. Goodness, they are so bad!

Anyway, I've been working on tensions and stress.. Slowly I'vve been letting go, and have been more positive. I realize that when I feel down, sitting and sulking or watching tele isnt going to lift my spirits as high as I need them to be. I need to do things that maske me feel powerful.

So here's some small ideas :

IHOP - oh yes, eating your pain is fine if you're not over weight

PAINTING - Dali incarnate

Scary Movies - Watchin other people's misery does make me a happier person! LOL

Okay thats all i can think of for now.. so what, short list

Beginning of The End 1/5

I am coming to an end with this blog soon. I feel a new chapter is beginning in my life and with that, a new blog, lol.....





I believe that this blog has showed at least some improvement in myself and attitude towards things. I'm no longer, suicidal (lol), depressed, and miserable. I am still impatient, but I guess that is to be expected, its just me.





Last night I had an EPIPHANY.

I was dreaming that J had come back to me, she told me that she had made "A huge mistake". I wasnt happy or sad, just completely uncertain. In my dreams, I tend to be emotionally raw and truthful. It made me realize that I am not lying to myself or in denial about the uncertainty I feel towards her. I know I love her, and I know one day I'd love to be able to love her again, but not now.. maybe not even in this lifetime. We made love after that.. Shortly I woke up.

My heart felt like a huge void was ripped open in the center of it. It felt like a black hole had opened up. It hurt so bad, that I cried. 4:00am I was crying like a big baby because of this VOID that caused me so much pain.

I prayed to God to make the pain stop.

i knew that I wasnt in pain because I felt a loss for J, it was the void that I had took so long to heal that was killing me. As i prayed, (which is very rare) I slowly began to feel better. After about ten minutes or so I felt completely better, the void had become a bruise. I knew it was the dream that had tormented me, but I was glad I was well enough to go back to sleep.

I was worried that I'd wake up in heartache, but I didnt. I felt more excited to get through the days in order to start my hike.. which reminds me, I need to buy Gas for my stove UGgghh...

Anyway, during this prayer, the only thing that came to my mind was 1 word


"GO".


I dont know where, or what it means.. but it kept coming to my mind.

"Just Go... and everything will eventually be ok."

I think thats what made me feel at peace, because I believed it.

In my attempt to GO, I must find Peace I believe... I know it will be difficult but I just know, its really the only way....





Because J has been the hardest strain on my heart and sometimes mind I've vritten this..

Dear J,

You have always been my bright and shining Knight.

I miss you completely, and I miss the way you usta make me feel.

You're a great person, and I hope you find true happiness one day.

For the first time, I genuinely want you to be happy, even if its not with me.

Sometimes I wish I could read your mind, so I knew the truth about how

you felt towards me. I hate cordial behavior we put on for each other, but

I guess thats why things have become so awkward. I thought that maybe if we communicated more then it would help, but it doesnt seem you are able to stick to that whatever the reason may be. For my own sanity, and from my exhaustion, my mind, heart and soul

has said good bye to you. I take after your example in the fact that I want to be

only about me now. I've kept a glimmer of hope unknowingly. Until last night,

I had been fighting with my thoughts about you, trying to keep it all at bay.

Secretly, I hoped you were going through the same struggle, but your answer

has always been the same "I dont know how to respond to that," whenever i've tried to be REAL with you,

I'm not mad it just made me more and more doubtful. I no longer hate you, not even a little bit.I have immense love for you. I hope we see each other again in a different light, whatever that might be. This year is a year for change. I know that when I join Corrections,

it'll be the complete transition and all of this will simply be put into my past and not

brought up again. I will remember always though.

Thank You for everything,

And I'll see you when I see you

Gina

It is Mid-May already...


July, I will be 21, and I'll be starting my new career (hopefully) as an officer. My mom has met most of her life friends and loves at the job. Who knows maybe I'll do the same. ((Besides, there are alot of lesbians that are officers, lol)





I already know that will be a new set of drama waiting to happen. ((Cant Wait))





Looking To the Future ------------





I have been offered a new job oppurtunity as a Flower Delivery Person... Imagine, from Receptionist of an Advertising Company to flower Delivery Girl... If you know me well enough, you wouldn't be so surprise lol.





Love for now is a Slow Go, but I'm always up for a challenge and cant wait. As much as it did hurt, I know that I wouldnt hesitate to do it again if I felt it was the right person. Little old me is gonna be a bit more choosey this time though lol SOrry Psycho's... I'm looking for my forever woman to eventually be with.. BUT DATES ARE STILL ACCEPTED!!! LOL nah just kidding, those shits are expensive, but I'm openminded.





I love my apartment so much, but after a few months at Corrections, I will be moving if I find the PERFECT loft for me. Investments Investments....

Anyway, for now I will cotinue my hikes, 9-6's, and sparatic litter change.


XoXoXo.....

Chapter Finale almost coming to an end ....

'09 The Year of Fucked Upness

Is it just me or is '09 just a simply fucked up year?

The list of shit that has happened so far.

1. The end of a nearly 3yr relationship

2. Meltdown because of number 1.

3. My landlord going through my apt. thus forcing me to find a new place

4. My job shows its true colors of EVIL

5. Extreme job cuts through the United States forcing me to stay at EVIL job

6. Depression and loneliness is trying to kick my butt

Over all its been a pretty hard year, but I'm trying to stay tough and
face the strong winds and storm. I'm so used to having a partner that would
be my reprieve and give me the strength to continue.... People come and go
though, that's life.

I'm sitting here at work trying my best not to cry... and the only person that I
have to vent to is the MAIL GUY.

I strongly am considering (when I have the money) to drop off the face
of the Earth. Change my number, email, and just GO. I dont know where,
but I'm tired of being around the people and things that bring me stress,
physically, mentally and emotionally.... I know there will be stresses in the world,
I'm not so naive, but at least the stresses that I've chosen to keep around me, I can
let go of.

Easier said then done since I still love a few of those things, but hopefully TIME will be an ally.

Hmm... I wonder if things will always be so difficult...

20 Going on 30

Feeling excruciatingly tired. Today is my mothers graduation, then tomorrow @ 7am I am delivering flowers. Doing the same thing on Sunday as well. I really want to enjoy my weekend but between Mothers day, Family Visiting and Delivery, i doubt I'll be doing much of that.

I'm planning on going hiking next weekend anyway.

I had to cancel it this weekend because of my mothers graduation and Mothers Day.

I am kinda upset because, my mom told me nto to forget to buy everyone a Mothers Day card. I mean it wasnt anything to get upset about, but i feel that if I give, its because I want to give not because some Hallmark holiday told me too. I hate feeling obligated to do things.

Anywho...

Rapper Chick's party was quite boring. Physically she is my type, mentally I wanna slap her. She is extremely self absorbed. I thought you had to at least make your first million before you became arrogant... Guess I was wrong....

She invited me to another party, but I highly doubt I'll go. I did like staying out late but being around her is not my ideal way of spending my time on Earth.

Her and I have text back and forth, but in the end it means nothing.

Sometimes I really do miss the feeling of a secure relationship, other times I miss when I was happy that I wasn't some Love Sick woman. Love has definately changed my views on people and the idea of family. Corrections will be starting soon (if I get accepted), my first step into permanency. The job I may retire from is only but a few months away.

• Did I grow up too fast?

I'm only 20, and sometimes I feel as if I'm 30.

I dont relate to many of my peers because I'm simply not interested in the

'next club thats free for ladies til 9'.

I'm happy at home with my movies, cats, and sparatic cultural events.



LoL, I just read the last line.. Damn I sound like an old lady. But i enjoy it, and thats what matters to me. I am not opposed to hanging out, partying and even taking a 'hit' here and there, but it definately is not the highlight of my life.



Sometimes I do feel bad that I cant be "the young chick partying".



I really do feel alone most of the time.



But you know what, Gotta stay Positive, no matter what.... My ultimate happiness will come again one day. It has too......

Randomness again WITH PICTURES lol

Ok, so quick post... I am dressed to kill... as usual lol...

Sometimes I wish I was a HOT ASSASSIN. (WoW, really random)

Anyway.. I did my locs very nice. I love doin my hair. My locs mean so much to me.

I wish I had the patience to take care of them better.

So here's a pic :

Its just a stylish funky way of doing flat twist with my locs.

Oh, and my cats are SOO adorable. Bad as fuck though. Bedrock had a cold. Oh yeah there names are Bedrock and Ariel. Bedrock had a cold but is better now. I thought all his meowing was because he was sick, but no he's just annoying. He talks so much and I indulge him... :-(

Anyway, now that he's better and is so bad. He attacks my feet. He always wants to wrestle and be thrown. ITs sooo hilarious.. He's soo energetic. Although sometimes his playfulness is annoying because its a 24/7 thing. In the middle of the night I wake up to him in my face meowing about something thats probably not important. If i respond back, it would end up being an all night conversation.

Ariel on the other hand is classy. She's alil sick right now though because she caught Bedrocks cold. But over all she likes to lounge in comfortable spots and watch you. She loves bein brushed. I love her too. She is such a laadddyyyyy....

I'll Go, But its Whatever... *Yawn*

Okay, So i HAVE to blog this...

I dont remember the exact date Rapper Chick messaged me, (Thursday maybe?), but she actually text me again today to give me the info of the restaurant. To be honest, I thought that she might've sent out a mass txt (and I still do think that), but she actually remembered to ssend me the info, (which aslo probably was a mass txt). Anyway, I asked her if i should bring anything, and how should I dress. She said dress casual, and everything is already taken care of @ the restaurant. She also said I could bring a friend (a bit disappointing actually, cuz that means theres gonna be ALOT of people). Then I said "Ok, not that I'm mad or anything, but why are you inviting me? Its mad random".

Her Response Verbatum:

"Honestly, I had ur number in my phone and it said "cutie with glasses" an dI was thinking... I have to see this woman. LoL. I know we met at Rivers, but I'm drawing a blank. But for me to keep ur number in my phone, we must've connected. I'm curious...I guess. And I want to see if you'll really come".

As flattered as I was... The truth is

"1) WE DID NOT CONNECT.

2) I DELETED YOUR NUMBER.

3) YOU DONT EVEN REMEMBER ME, so umm WTF!

Anywho, I'm gonna go for a short while and see whats up. I'm not planning on staying for the whole thing. I'm not interested. I just wanna go out, see her response (if there is 1) and BizOunce. At least no 1 can say I stay home all day....

Now to decide, WHAT TO WEAR

The Rapper Chick

Last night, I recieved a random text from this girl who I met at Rivers of Honey , my favorite lesbian poetry spot. Let me give you a brief throwback of this girl who I will call "rapper chick".

I met her back in I believe November or December, cant really remember. She was doing a rap performance which ended up being VERY good. You can tell she was really serios about being promoted and all that other good stuff, I believe she even has a manager. Anyway, she reminded me alot of J , (sad but true), it was one of the main reasons I asked her for her number.

So I text her sparatically but she would never tell me anything about herself. Obviously she was gay or she wouldnt be at Rivers of honye, but she wouldnt tell me her name, age or anything. Finally I got fed up of this Mystery Woman thing she was putting on, so I deleted her number after onlye a mere 3 days of stupid text.

Now, its May 1st. She texts me, and asks me to come to a dinnr party that she is having. I was surprised because I didnt expect to hear from her again, and still dont understand why she is texting me. I asked if it was a Promotional thing, and she said no, a movie (Cooley High) and dinner. I told her I'd think about it and to text me the info later when the time was near.

This is suppose to be happening on Wednesday, but we will see.....

I'll go just to get out of the house, and to see her face again (I forgot what she looks like a little, I remember she had a sexy smile), but I mostly wanna see if she really was as attratcive as I thought or was I blinded by the reminder of my X.

The Sims 3 Obsession

I am SOOO excited about the Sims 3. In like 1 month and 2 days I will be taking off work and playing The Sims 3!!!

I am so addicted to the game its not even funny..

I really wish that Seasons was still in the game, but now that I think about it, Seasons wa pretty intense on my poor Sims. They were getting burnt after being outside for only 5 minutes, and freezing to death after 10 minutes. I doubt they'd make it long in a seamless neighborhood.

I am thinking about reinstalling the Sims 2. I had uninstalled it out of anticipation for THe Sims 3 before it got delayed, back in like September. lol

I already know what the first thing I'm going to do is.

1. As my Sims 3 is installing, I will be drooling over the Prima Guide.

2. I will go to Create a Sim and browse through all the new features and clothes for every gender and age group

3. See how great this new seamless neighborhood is lol, so excited

4. I will go to build a house mode and browse through all the new/old furniture and drool over that

5. Look through the new build mode tools

6. Go back to Create a Sim and actually build the most detailed sim I can with the traits of Clumsy, Book Worm, Creative and Klepto. I'd probably make a family of 5.

.. Sorry for those who dont know about The Sims... I really ahd to get this outta mysystem. The date is getting SO CLOSE!! I cant imagine how Imma feel the week before it comes out. Those dys are going to by SOOO SLOOOOWWW

Sexy with a bit of Skepticism

So... J is picking me up after work today.
She invited me to go to a ballet with her... She knows I dont want to be
friends, so I kinda wonder why this invitation has been handed to me.
A friend of mine said it seems to be just a nice gesture, and they are probably correct.
But a nice gesture for what? I over analyze everything because I'm a skeptical,
curious person with an overactive imagination. So to prevent from thinking the wrong thing I need to know the precise reason for things.

Either way, I'm dressed to kill today. I will post a pic ASAP if i get a chance.
We are not together, and probably wont ever get back together but the FEMALE in me
cant help but to show off what J is missing.. Hee Hee...

This guy that I say a courteous Good Morning too everyday asked me if he can ride me home on his motorcycle one day lmao!!!

I even stopped traffic a COUPLE OF TIMES.

Hopefully all goes well tonight, and any skepticism that i do have will be solved tonight :-)

But if shes trying to turn this into some kind of friendship thing, I will let her know tonight
thats a NO NO.

The Sims 3

The Sims 3 is coming out soon, and I have no one to share the new info and excitement with. I'm thinking about playing The Sims 2 again as well. But again I have noone to share the excitement wth. The few people that did know about the Sims is barely aware of the fact that there will be a Sims 3.

Ugh.... Break ups are a bitch.

Nia came over, and she wasnt catching the hint that I wanted her to leave. She came over with her son and I had to get him dressed and start putting on his coat just so she can get the hint to do the same. By the time she left it was about midnight.

Maybe "like" was too much of a strong word for her. I enjoy her conversation when I'm bored. Yeah, thats about right.... lol

I left my cellphone home again.... I guess thats kinda good, I am starting to feel that longing....

Ugh.... Breakups are a bitch.

Those extra heart beats

There are very few girls that make my heart soar, and when I meet one,
im tempted to do things I never feel the NEED to do with anyone else.
Yes, I am a womanizer. I can admit that, everything I do seems almost as
if im in love but trust me, im not. I love most women, and can almost
find beauty in any woman whether it be physically or mentally. But my
heart only skips an extra beat for a few.

Sometimes I feel slightly guilty because I know im just going the
motions with a particular female. Other times I feel like a guy just
wanting to get into the pants.

When I see whomever she may be, I wonder what it is that I want. Why am
I after them, what is drawing me? Sometimes im scared to know because I
really hate feeling guilty.

Its funny that I speak like this and only a few months ago I was bawling
about the girl who I thought was The One. Not even a few months ago, was
it like 3 weeks ago?

So, today, Nia (fake name), messaged me to tell say that her fiancee
broke up with her. I was having a brief affair with Nia not too long
ago.. In January actually. I wanted her, don't know why, but I found her
attractive. She is muy ghetto, has a kid, and is BI. Everything I do not
like, but I like her. Even her son makes me smile.

Anyway, tonight she is coming by to hang with me since I moved to her
area (unknowingly). Im not tryin to get into anything , I really jus
wanna console her cuz I kno what its like to lose someone you thought
you were going to spend forever with.

Damn I need a shower!!!

P.s Lady S and I shared our 1st goodbye kiss yesterday. She won twice in
Air Hockey, and she watched me look dumb on Dance Revolution. We had
loads of fun. She held my hand lot and took initiative in cuddling with
me and holding me. It was nice.

K gotta get ready for Nia.

P.p.s one of my friends has been gettin triple the ass that im gettin
which is 0 for me lol and I can't understand how...
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Bitch Assistant

Today was Good Friday, and although it was Good indeed, I swear I'm getting so sick of Bitch assistant. Bitch assistant is the personal assistant of the main boss. The same boss that I make oatmeal every freakin morning. Very degrading indeed..

So apparently big boss is leaving for a vacation to Paris for a week. Coincidentally after coming back from her 2 week vacation (which was suppose to be only 1, but she claimed to be in the hospital), bitch assistant says she is going to Chicago to work from her best friends office.

Wow, but her facebook says "I'm so happy, I'm going to Chicago to celebrate my bestfriends birthday"

I'm like damn bitch, its one thing to not come into the office while the boss is away, but your leaving the fuckin state too?!!! You really dont give a shit....

So guess who is stuck doing her work? ME. ANd its not like I can say no, because she has the power to fire me. THe big boss has no clue of this rendezvous...

I've been getting evil thoughts on ways to get her fired. HEe Hee...

Healing and Learning

Dear Bloggy,

Today I realized for the first time that HEARTBREAK happens to everyone.
Its very rare that someone ends up with their first love. But everyone eventually
feels the pain of heartbreak. In a weird maybe sadistic way, it makes me feel better
because besides the psycho's, everyone gets better, everyone moves on.

I'm such a cool ass person, and not to sound cocky, but I know I'll find love again.
Dont get me wrong, my heart still races when I recieve an i/m (hoping it wud be her), and
I do read her emails almost 4x.

But I need to be loved the way my body, heart and soul asks for it. I shouldn't deny
myself real love for anyone elses satisfaction. When the right person comes along
and loves me just as I am, hopefully I know. Til then...........

I appreciate the experience of Love and I will miss it....

- Gina

:-(

Feeling sad, frustrated, upset, trying really hard to feel peace.

I can cry righ tnowbut I wont.

Why cant i be surprised with a happy ending?

That's why they are called Exes

Although I've been feeling a bit better, my mind is like the energizer
bunny. I think of many reasons why being friends with your beloved ex
wouldn't work (especially in my case).

1. They are exes for a reason.

2. Communication was the biggest issue.

3. Lame excuses why things can't be done with me but is obviously done
with someone else. Ex: texting, saying hello, hanging out, visiting
etc.

4. Others knowing every aspect of our relationship. That's so annoying!

Those were the biggest things that bothered me. After all of that, I
can't even trust a friendship. I don't want that. Can't anyone tell by
my lack of friends that I intentionally don't care to make new ones.

Im not feeling anything negative right now, mostly just venting.

Sometimes I wish my life was like the movies, you know, when the good
guy learns a life lesson and realizes he needs the love of his life. So
he swallows his pride and surprises her with a romantic gesture.

This is reality though, when the good guy never swallows his pride and
instead chooses to live with regret for the next years to come.

I had swallowed my pride but was coldly bitch slapped for my attempts.
But, im happy I tried and I guess that's all that matters. I won't live
with regret, because I tried.

I wish things could've been different just as every ex does, but its
not. Its funny because my ex believes that I don't want to be her friend
because I want the benefits of being in a relationship without being in
one, she couldn't be farther from the truth. Yeah I wouldn't mind being
intimate but that's not what matters. How do you explain this to someone
who doesn't listen to you or is even around when you speak?

I guess that's why they are called ex's.
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

A New Studio

SoO.... I am looking for a new apartment... Gotta love those landlords.
My landlord wanted my dishes done everday, garbage taken out, place completely spotless
and all my furniture stuffed in my room. I'm like

Uhh.. BITCH I DONT PAY YOU RENT SO YOU CAN BE MY MOTHER.

But instead I gave her a few choice words and let her know that I'll be living out my security and gone by May 1st.

Now I gotta scramble looking for an apartment.. and what luck! As if the Real Estate God was looking down on me, my mothers recieves a call from an old friend who just happens to be looking for a new tenant. It's a studio, but

1. Its slightly cheaper,

2. Closer to my job

... and the big one...... I CAN HAVE PETS.

I'm hoping this move will distract me from what I've been feeling today.
I move in on April 15th.

I cant seem to stay in one place for long and this move is like a new haircut to me. A way to feel good, start new and beautify.

I'll post pictures if I can remember.
Oh yeah and tomorrow is my first day of Jury Duty..... (My job is not happy about that)

She's gone because I left.
I realized that if J can stay strong to her convictions than why can't
I? That's an easy one, they aren't strong enough and my desires rule
me.

I can't go through this constant agony of love.
So I had to say goodbye.

Dear J,

I love you and I hope we meet again.
Even though we couldn't be friends or lovers.
I will always remember you as my first love and soulmate.

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Ignorance

Today as I was walking with Lady S to Bryant Park, some woman who wasn't paying attention nearly bumped into me. I swivelled to get out the way but she ended up bumping my bag instead. She turned around like 30 seconds later and all I heard was

the N word.

Right in the middle of 42nd street, this crazy woman called me the N Word. My mind didnt even understand, and I had to ask Lady S if she really said what I thought she said. When Lady S confirmed, I turned around but she was already gone.

That was the first time in my life I was called that. I knew there was still racism but

I didnt think I'd ever encounter it so bluntly in the middle of New York on a beautiful sunny day. I knew that woman lost her damn mind, and I wasnt going to let her ruin my joyous mood.

Lady S and I had a relaxed time, and by the end of the day

she gave me a light peck near my neck.

If I was a blusher, I wouldve blushed really hard!

But she opened the gate way, and now I'm determined to @ least give her a kiss on the cheek. LoL, usually I'm so much worst, I feel like a shy school girl!

Ugggh! Whats wrong with me.

Maybe its because I'm trying to get comfortable and I'm slowly seeing if its okay to be myelf with her.

With the exceptin of that ignorant woman, my day is going

A-Okay!

Natural Beauty

Natural women have always been the most attractive to me. Its common to
see women wearing perms, fake nails, weaves etc. It never moved me and
I'd always wonder how long they'd try to keep up the facade. It was
bound to become too much work or expensive.

Usually all natural females, especially Black women are givin a second
glance. People are usually surprised that they are so daring to not
conform. As a young woman, I noticed that the girls that didn't have
perms were mocked and made fun of. They were called nappy or ugly, even
by other women who obviously had the same situation going on Post
Denaturalization.

I hated it so much because out of sheer pressure, those that were mocked
would conform and get a perm or some other fake shit not needed.its so
sad, some of my friends couldn't even afford to get the latest fashions
but they would bend over backwards gathering money to buy another pair
of Jordans they didn't even need.

I have always been, and will always be, a Sketchers fan. I did get
teased about it, but not a lot, because I was proud and comfortable with
my sneaks.

I think women who go natural get extra cool points for not conforming.
They are brave because they are risking judgement and ridicule. They are
beautiful because they are confident about being themselves, and im
attracted to them cuz im simply a homo lol a natural-girl loving homo.

A good night

Today has been a good day. J called me twice today. I know I know.... it
was just a good convo that's all. Im way too exhausted to get my hopes
up, and funny enough subconciously I haven't. But she's still my Edward,
unfortunately.

Lady S called me too tonight as well, which was a surprise, a pleasant
one. I like making her laugh a lot. We talked about that younger vs
older relationship issue. She's only 4 years older than me, we both have
our own place, car and job. We have good convos and enjoy each others
company. If it were to evolve into anything else, I don't want to have
to deal with something I can't control.

The thing is, we are really just chillin together without expectations..
I enjoy it cuz she's really positive and inspires me. I mean she
confuses the hell outta me as well but overall I enjoy her person.

I don't think she or I are ready to jump into anything overly serious. I
still need to heal the holes in my heart and she has bruises on her own
from what it seems.

I am excited 2 spend summer days with her, and im super nervous about
her stayin at my house for the weekend, its so boring..
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

New Moon

As I read Edwards promise to Bella that he will never leave her again, I
find myself surprisingly jealous of the fictional character. But at the
same time appreciative that such characters exist that explained my self
torture so well. New Moon definately describes me a little too well...
the fact that edward comes back makes it hard for me to finish the book
though, but I appreciate it all the same..

One part of the story, Bella talks about being fair to the others that
love her, and although her romeo doesn't want her love, is it okay for
her to share a small piece of that with Jacob. She compares Jacob to
Paris from Romeo and Juliet.. I feel like that entire situation
seriously hit home for me.

I can't believe such a book can mirror my own life.

Unlike Bella though, I am determined to be happy and I don't scream in
my sleep, I just talk sleep or not sleep @ all..

Time is passing and the hole in my heart is no longer raw, just
sensitive to the touch. Maybe time does heal most wounds after all... it
doesn't change the love you will always have though, I don't think so
anyway.

I wonder if people knew how broken I feel most of the time would I get
as much attention as I do. The one person who did know nearly collapsed
under the pressure I had applied. Sometimes I feel as if I were a
starved vampire that sucked her dry while telling her sweet words. Scary
enough that's probably accurate.

As I said though, I am letting go and trying to be a different person
because I like living, and dying slowly from a broken heart isn't my
ideal way of going out.

Lady S and I may have lunch together tomorro since its suppose 2 b a
nice day. I hope I make it back to work on time, hee hee...
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

A Goodbye unspoken

There are times when I feel like my heart is being squeezed, and I can't
breathe. Sometimes when I think about it, my chest pounds and tears
threaten my eyes. What's worst is the indifference she presents. I think
its better when she is completely silent. All of this I do with her is
trial and error. I know that I can't keep doing everything that just
works for her or making myself constantly available whenever its right
for her. Although there are times she makes me feel as if im drowning,
my heart and mind is slowly letting go. I can feel it. I am no longer
lost in confusion at her seemingly uncaring words, i can stop, breathe
and react.

I guess I've already said goodbye and a second time isn't needed. But it
was said and I did try..

Everyone loses hope eventually...
--
Sent from my Soul

WTF is Twitter

I'm hearing all about this twitter business... I havent looked at the site yet, and I'm really trying not too. Haven't we become addicted to enough sites already. I barely can make it off facebook, thank goodness I'm no longer addicted to myspace, and please dont get me started on youtube and flickr.

I just want to live a normal life and read books, and meet people face to face with a simple head on conversation. Every time I work up the nerve (which by the way usually takes me about half an hour) to say hi to someone, they ignore me. No wait, they are not ignoring me they have their bloody headphones on! THen I'm stuck there looking like an ass, so I quickly scamper away like a damn roach with the light on..

::::sigh::::

I will check out Twitter just to see what the big hooblah is about, but I am not, I repeat! WILL NOT start an account.

****

OKay so I check out the site! And it all a big trap, another way to disconnect me from "The Real World".....

They use words like, this is "The REal World" and theirs "life after blogs"....

WTF?!!!

Its a site full of updates of my life in less than 140 characters. I mean do i really give a shit if my friend is wiping her ass 2 seconds ago? THats a part of life and the beauty of it being called a "personal" life....

What has the world come too.... I will not join... I will not join.... I will not join.....

Walkabout

I was watching Lost yesterday and one of the maion characters named
Locke talked about how he needed to do this thing called a Walkabout.
Its when you need to experience being one with nature, when nature feeds
you its positive energy. Almost like a Healing Spring. That's me just
summarizing it though, its a bit more.

Anyway, it made me think about what I was doing with this hike and he
said it in perfect words. I look it up and blog the definition of
Walkabout if that's a real word.

Also im going on a very strict diet with my liquids; only cranberry
juice and water. It will clean out my blood and keep me rejuvenated. I
will also drink Orange juice occassionally for the vitamins. I should
take those as well but I don't trust them.

(Something smells kinda shower, I wonder if its the dirty jeans im
wearing or the lady next to me)

Anyway will blog more later.. These seroquels are kicking my ass but I
sleep like the dead and my emotions don't overwhelm me when im sad.

Peaces!
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

The hike

My stomach is shrinking now. I hadn't eaten practically all day, and
then I had a cheeseburger with medium fries and I feel like im gonna
burst, or maybe its built up gas...probably the latter...

Im on my way home from work and I've been feelin pretty blah for the
pass couple of weeks. My soul feels starved and I feel guilty about
that. I need to go on this hike no matter what. Even if I go on my own I
do not mind, I need this.. I know ill survive the aftermath one way or
the other but I need to be where I belong fo awhile.

I need the rejuvenation that only nature and occassional weed can bring
lol... I've been feeling so down and out and I realize why im not enough
fo me, I need nature. Nature has enough positive energy that can fill my
soul the brim if I let it.

May 15th is the big trip... imma try my hardest to make it happen. I
wish myself luck and hope that things can work to my advantage.

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Light Skin

Since I was younger I've always wished I was darker. Going to mostly
black schools definately did not make me feel more self assured as it
was probably meant to do, in fact the opposite happened.

I was constantly teased about my fair skin and black features. I'd get
questions like:

Are you albino? (Although clearly my hair was dark brown and I wasn't
that light)

Are you even black?

Why is your hair so nappy and your so light?

Oh my gosh and don't get me started on the stares. I could feel the eyes
burning into my face questioning my nationality. I've always identified
with my black community more then I have with the caucasion side of me
since I do not know that part well. My mom herself is a mutt, so im
second generation.

There were times when I wished I had clear cut features of a clear cut
race, but I don't.

I was rejected from both sides of my identity, because to both, I
represented "the other side". Makin friends was no joy and my self
esteem was in the negatives.

I always laugh when I hear people say that light skin people think they
are better than people with darker skin. In actuallity, I wished I was
them. But I definately wasn't gonna share that with the person throwin
stones...

I kinda jus been workin through bein proud of who I am. I'm a
lightskinned sistah with nappy roots and lovin it. Don't get me wrong,
im the first person outside when a bit of sun comes out, but im learnin
to love me one step at a time.

Jus somethin I thought I'd share....

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Inspiration

Although awkward, being at S's house has inspired me to find out who I
am. She's made me think about where I want my life to go and how I want
to represent myself when I get there.

I've changed in a big way since only last year, yet I felt the need to
keep proving it to others. But you know what, that's not what its about.
Although its nice that people see you the way you see yourself, its
about self motivation to become the person you want to be. I no longer
care for others opinion of me.

I figure, ill be myself and the people who appreciate that and me will
just come my way eventually. I need to gain more confidence, self
respect and love. I have began this journey and it makes me feel good.

This feels right. FINALLY!

Peace and love to everyone!
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Xhausted and Going Solo

I am so tired of women, relationships and the drama they bring along..

Nothing bad happened.... but I've got a total headache and have been dealing with women issues all weekend. I'm officially Asexual... No women, no men and occassional sex.

Thats it.

If i happen to find love along the way then so be it, but I'm totally no longer dating anymore.
I just want to enjor myself and live my freaking life. If it was easy to cut everyone off that gets on my nerves, I would, but I know I would regret it later.

For now, I'm taking a chill pill on it all.

My new focus and love is me, and I plan to treat that love with all I can give it.

----- Here's a little something off the top of MY head, for all those people who are the stones in my kidney------


You build me up
You knock me down
I frown on the faces you make me face day to day looking at your face
Whether in my mind or right in front of me
Your a heartbreak
A simple ache
I try to relieve you by just being myself
ANd Im writen with a warrent for all the things I've felt
I'm tired of thinking about what you want
I simply dont give a shit, not a blasted fart
Fuck you, my sweet kidney stone, because I worry about your wants no more.

By Lil Ol' me......

***BOWS****

P.S I had the most peaceful time w/Lady S

Untitled

I needed a release. Im on the stairwell of my job and spent over half of
my lunchbreak on the stairwell crying my eyes out. I look a mess.. My
eyes are red and puffy, my nose looks like nick name shud be rudolf.

I know I pretend like things people say or do don't affect me but I am
extremely sensitive. I just want ................ I won't say.

Thank God my bff picked up the phone, she always makes me feel better. I
cried so hard I think I scared people off the stairs. I want to cry some
more but I can't go back to work with red tear stained eyes.

I am sad.... aren't I?
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Drowning

Sometimes I feel like I go through a new heartbreak everyday...

Quote of the day given to me : i love you but you hurt me more than u make me happy and its been like that for too long my exasperation my frustration anger hurt and pain outweigh
how i feel about you a lotof times its not
healthy....

What do you do when the person you once loved told u this? Do you fight back
tears that threaten ur entire being? I'm at work.. with held back tears that
I could possibly make anyone feel this way. How loud do you scream that that isnt
you anymore. That you're different....

What do you do?

I can understand how she has felt, and I dont want to feel that way towards
her, but thats whats happning to me as well.... God, thats how I'm starting
to feel towards her.....

I need to leave her before I hate her, before there's no chance of me ever
wanting to see her face again. I dont want to, but what choice do I
have....

In just those few words ALL my hopes of us one day just being has shattered
into a million pieces.. I wasnt even given a chance.......

Hum De La Drum

I took half a Seroquel last night because my nerves were completely jumpy after abruptly getting off the phone with the eX last night. My eyes feel extremely heavy this morning and I barely want to talk (which freakin suX since I am practically an operator for this company), yet I'm forcing myself to do these things, like type, just to keep my body in motion and not fall apart at the seams. I dont know how people could take this pill in the day, I'd fall out wherever I ended up.

My life seems so simple yet complicated all at the same time. I want so badly to move on with my life and become some happy wife that should've been named Mary or some shit. I want to bake cookies for my lovely lady as we sit in front of our t.v and watch Imagine Me & You for the hundredth time. After we would laugh and talk about babies as I washed the dishes and she got the bed ready..... But the way my life is goin, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up and had to getready to do another night shift at the City jails so that I can pay for the new scratch on my damn car.

I think it's so funny that when I was younger, all I wanted to be a was the Bad Ass New York Bitch who didnt take any shit from no one and wore the best designer jeans and Shades; now I'm talking about being MaryLou from Pleasantville. How things change as we get older....

AnywhO.... I've got a "movie date" with the lovely S, and I'm really looking forward to it. SHe shares alot of my views which is kinda different in itself, but very much appreciated. I respect her ALOT and feel compelled to get to know everything about her..

::sigh:: I am way too much for myself sometimes...... lol

Looking at the Skyy

So Shara is gone.... Having fun one day and then it got boring the next. She's now lost in the abyss with the L Word characters, Tim, Lara and the rest of those nobodies...

i will miss her cooking though :'-(

So....



There's this girl or should I say WOMAN, that I've met on a previous occassion about 2 months ago, but didnt really get the time to know being that we were at a poetry event. Im going to call her S... I think S is a very attractive woman and I had really wish I had to get to know her, but anywho.... Apparently, she had asked my bestfriend about me the other night.. specifically she asked her my name after she described me. Coincidentally I asked my betfriend about her too, low and behold we see each other again at the same place..





Of course my bestfriend gives me the scoop, guess what i found out... She is the ex gf of my bestfriends current "gf"... DAMN YOU SMALL LESBIAN COMMUNITY!!!!



This information of course makes me hesitate but, the world didnt stop rotating when it found out the sun didnt revolve around it, so why should I.



Anyway, I really dig this chick cuz she seems to be very smart, attractive and woohoo older. She's got her own place and THANK GOODNESS not living in the closet.



I'm not trying to get horribly serious with this, just kick it. I only really wanna move passed my ex because I still feel like im exerting more energy in caring about her lovingly, than she does about me. Of course not intentionally but time heals all wounds if you stop cutting them open.

I'm definately ready to meet someone who is on "my level". BUT I AM IN NO RUSH TO FALL IN LOVE.

Bulimia Nervosa

SoO.. I think I may have a small bit of a problem.

This weekend, I stuffed my face so hard I got s tomach ache and yet I
couldn't stop eating. J had to literall wrestle the half bowl of cereal
from my hands as I begged to sip the milk. Anyone who knows me knows
that my stomach can be filled quite quickly with just three tspns of
rice. I ate more than any man I've known. My stomach hurt and I felt
nauseous. Even now, I only ate a waffle and my stomach feels really
stretched.

Then on the weekdays, I try my best to keep the calories down and even
exercise a bit. I guess to even out my weekend binges. I've concluded
that I might be suffering from bulimia nervosa.. And no I do not throw
up. But I do crash diet and then binge. I've been told I do both on an
unhealthy level, that's the only reason I say bulimia nervosa and not
"treating myself on the weekends"

Im on my way to work right now.. I really don't want to go (when do I
ever). To be honest though, at this point its better than staying at
home and doing absolutely nothing.

Talk more later.. Peaces!
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Omg a So Far Good Friday

I'm feeling pretty damn great today.

It's Friday, all of my bosses God Awful Newspapers have come in, so I dont have to sweat at my small desk wondering how I'm going to find the missing ones.

I look great and even woke up before my alarm clock.

And the greatest thing about today is ... drum roll...

I HAVE PLANS!!!!

Thats right... no going straight home for me this weekend. I admit, they are with my ex, but we are really cool

(as cool as just departed exes can be :-\)

Tonight I'm taking her to this poetry spot for Lesbians of Color called Rivers of Honey. And I will be surprising her with a poem that I have dutilly memorized in an attempt to reenact my own version of Love Jones :-)

Gosh I'm so smooth.. I'm even wearing all back with my locs hangin down and black eye liner on..

Yes, this is an attempt to WORK IT... lol

Although I am sittin here starvin to death because I unfortuantely would rather get a few extra minutes of sleep than sustenance, I am in a very good mood praying to goodness gracious that I dont fuck up reading this poem tonight.

Wish me Luck!!

Cool New Kinda Chick and Seemingly Good Friend

I'm @ work, and I'm reading my Rachel Morgan series. Its so confusing because all this Harry Potter language that the author is using is confusing the shits outta me. I dislike when authors explain what they are talking about later in the books, because then Ihave to read it over with this new understanding.... I'm so impatient lol.

Anyway, I've been talking to this cool kinda chica named Shara. She's really nice and even knows sign language. The thing is, when I'm around people for too long I start to get irritated. Dont ask me why. I had hung out with her all day, and she is really nice, but I still got cranky, is it just me or am I like schizo or some shit.

She made me some really good beef chunks because I got the munchies at like 1.30am after drinking most of the night. I was very appreciative. I am definately trying to get out and meet more people and not cut myself off because I'm so antisocial. This is after my retreat though.. I want to come out new and fresh.

I just dont want anyone to get the wrong idea about my being outgoing and take that as an invitation to a newfound relationship. I just want to have friends and let everything else come naturally. but i really just want friends first. I think building that strong bond is important first.

I'm trying not to revert back to my old ways of thinking and be openminded towards her and be a good friend. I appreciate the fact that I just met her and there's no held grudges or pressure to be with her (for all those UHAUL lesbians, lol) . Just enjoying hanging out, and its a relief and a breath of fresh air. I do have regular friends but some of them make me feel like they want more.

I felt like I havent relaxed in ages, even she said I'm all tense and need to jus loosen up. Anyway, we are suppose to hang out and do random shit. She wants to go PaintBallin, I do too, but not with her :-( ...... I want to go roller skating or bowling.

GOSH IM FALLIN ASLEEP!!!!

A bit down with some Whiskey to follow

Everyone needs time to themselves. Some need a few seconds to regroup, some need a couple of months. I think I need a couple of days or weeks. I've become so entangled in other peoples feelings and emotions towards me, and I thought by putting myself out there, and giving everythig a positive chance, theres no reason why things wouldn't work out.



But sometimes, its not the right time, or others dont really care. I simply just dont know. I'm stressing, and I'm getting insomnia, then I'm tired all day. I'm so tired of being patient now because all my efforts aren't counting for shit. I'm done wanting to be wanted or seen.... I'm done. I thought that if I'm patient things will work.. But its not about patience, simply put; People either do or dont want to fuck with you. If they do they will make the effort to do so or at least not deny those pleasures, and if they dont then they simply wont.



I just need to leave for a bit, I guess I'll see who will be around when I come back. Those are the people who cared, who are treasured. And the people who dont even notice will be a past memory.

I cant keep caring or pushing for things that dont even care or want me.

I'm not going to force anyone to try to make it work with me if they dont want to. I'm growing into a very interesting woman and would love to express it with those dear to me. I guess that would work better if they cared to know what your expressing.



I feel like my efforts to work with my father and build a relationship is the epitome of how shitty things are going for me, with the people around me. Wasted efforts, not a damn thing to show for it except a reminder of a "Rosie Past". I'm tired.... i exhaust myself.. I dont think it even matters to them whether I tried or not, because in the end, its what truly matters and is important to them, and you know what, I'm not one of them.



Sometimes I wonder if I'm my own bestfriend or my worst enemy.



This is so pathetic to say, but I wish I mattered to someone other than my mother and bff. And I mean really mattered, that I am one of the top things on their list. I remember when I got really sick in florida, and my bestfriend practically took off work for a week just to accompany to the hospital back and forth. I know she had to go to work and was probably on the verge of getting fired (I had to tell her to go to work and that I'll be okay). I was really down about how sick I had gotten because I was nauseous and stayed in the bed the entire time. She had cooked for me breakfast and dinner and tried to get me out of the house, and talked to me alot so I wont be so alone. Sometimes she would even come into the room and lock the door so we could just have Alone Time, and we'd light up a blunt and she would make alotta jokes. I appreciated that so much. She lives in Florida though :-( I know I'm like a sister to her and she loves me alot.



I usta have alot of love in my life only but a year ago, now it seems like things can change before you even know it. I'm glad Al came from Fla for the weekend just to spend her 21st Bday with me even though we couldnt do any clubbing since I wouldnt have been able to get in.



I need to be stronger though, I cant depend on people to stick around forever even if they promised. I should be enough for me. But if I was, then why am I even writing this??

Cuz I'm not enough for me. You cant surprise yourself with flowers or a Family Day Out.



I'm tired of being disappointed............... even The L Word has let me down lol





I'll drink to the United States of Tara though, the few pleasures in my life right now. Bottoms up!

Conflicted and Determined

An Unsent letter to someone special

Sometimes I want to give up too...

Sometimes I want to let it go, and call it quits...

But at the end of the day, I want to still know you.

I want to still call you when something big happens, or something important happens.

I want to call you when I'm exasperated and when I need some sane advice.

I'm not scared to let go either, but I am scared to not know you anymore.

You're someone important to me and although I am not a priority of yours, you are still of mine.

Our relationship has been reduced to awkward texts, and your anger towards my stubborness. Still, I will TRY my hardest to build a new foundation, but I cant do it alone J. I cant build this foundation by myself.

I want you to want me again.. I messed up in a way I didnt think was possible, and now I'm jus another scar in your life. You are my bestfriend and I dont want to have to live without you in my life.

I know all you want to do is punish me for how I've made you feel. I dont want to be punished or take it but I will if that's what it takes to bring you back into my life. I'm aware of you, and myself, and I will try my best not to hurt either.

No matter how I feel, whether I want to let everything we have go, or build anew. I KNOW that in the end I dont want to NOT know you. Even if we decided to not do this anymore... I would pray to God, Buddha Allah, whatever... that I will see you in the future.

Sometimes I feel trapped, you tell me you dont know if you want to do this with me anymore, and when I say I'll leave you become angry at me because you think you should've left me when you had the chance. I tell you But I do wanna stay and again you tell me You dont know if you want to do this with me.

God, those words crush me... I didnt show it but they crushed me and I wanted to cry and scream out WHY!! I wanted to yell out that IF YOU DONT WANT ME THAN JUST GO BECAUSE I AM SURE ABOUT WANTING YOU AND ITS NOT FAIR!! I know that the moment you told me it was done, I would've cried for a long time and I would disappear from you forever. I'm good at disappearing, the world is my hideout.

I dont want you to leave and I hate the fact that your mother mightve said that to get rid of me is to end ur pain. I swear it feels like your mother has been hoping to have me gone since the moment I said Hello to you. When I asked you, and you said Does it Matter. OF COURSE IT DID!! WOuld I ask if it didnt?! DO i ask questions just becuase?? Never. I hate when you ask Does it Matter, It kills me...

All of the anger from you, the crap wit ur moms words and constant attention needing, I am choosing to go through because I know its my fault too. I'm not scared to take responsibility for what I've done.

I just want you to want me again. :-(

From Gina

February 20th sucks!

Today absolutely sucks!



I think my job completely hates Fridays and will try their best to make it as shitty as possible.

As much as I look forward to Fridays, at the same time I wonder what shit Imma have to go through today in order to get to my fuckin weekend. I SWEAR I DO NOT OVER EXAGGERATE. EVERY FUCKIN FRIDAY.



So, I was asked by the bosses assistant to put some business cards in alphabetical order, little did I know that there was at least 300 cards in that bitch, easily could've been more. So that heated me up, but I was like you know what, I have nothing to do Fuck It. Finally three days later I get done, and she comes up to me and says



"Oh, you gotta do these over."

I'm like "Why"

She says "Because these business cards are suppose to be in alphabetical order by last name not comapany."

Me: "Are you kidding me...."

She says : "Sorry you gotta do them over."



I am soo upset, I'm not touching those fuckin cards til I calm down because I will burn them..


****************************************

So I just had my 3 month evaluation, which was a joke.

I asked her why she didnt tell me to do that way, and she was like I like them that way, and thats how it should be done.
That didnt even answer my question, but ok... I am so tired of her mood swings, and I refuse to deal with them or be friendly with her anymore. I think she is Uber phony.. lol Uber.

She said how I rolled my eyes and gave her an attitude about the cards thing. I'm like yeah I was annoyed. And I was told to apologize by my other boss, so I did and she was like Well I'm not apologizing.

I'm like Wow ok... Its high school all over again but worst cause I cant ignore anyone, I need this job to pay my rent. Woosah.......

this is how i feel : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggpq5mRdxaY

They want me to be more enthusiastic about the work they give me...

I've never seen a picture with a slave smiling while doing their work.

I make this man oatmeal, alphabetize a whole bunch of bullshit business cards, run to his house which is on 150th st. from Canal st. (think of canal as 1st st or -5st) to get his fucking Debit card that he left at home while its freezing outside, and I'm suppose to be smiling. That's not even in my fuckin job description. They ask me if I still wanna be here bcause I dont go a step further with my work, should I spoon feed the motherfucker too?!

I dont understand why jobs like this exist....

Corporations and cooperate people just DO NOT MIX with me.. its as simple as that, and I will do this shit for as long as I need to.


Oh and to add insult to injury The Sims 3 was suppose to come out today and it is being delayed to June 2nd. I think the only solace I have is Kim Harrisons book coming out in 4 days. Hopefully it wont be on a Friday by some horrible calendar tragedy.

Plans.. Oh Sweet Plans

I love 2 hike... did I mention that I love to hike? Well I really do..

I am known as a "free spirited""feminist hippie" (quoted by those
dearest to me) and my so called labels deemed me this for the simple
fact that, in May I am planning to not only quit my job but risk my
not-so-great-situation apartment. The reason I am doing this besides the
fact that I dislike all of the above, is because I want to go hiking and
be stress free for awhile that bad.

My plan does not sound like the smartest but I assure you it works out
because it makes sense to me. I find that's my Karma or Lifestyle that
works well particularly for me.

Im planning on becoming a Correctional Officer. The class for me starts
in July if it doesn't get cancelled because of the NYC freeze. I am
hoping that my tax return will at least be big enough to hold me til
july. If not, I will move out and live with my sperm donor in virginia.
As much as I dislike the idea, it makes sense. It will give me time to
wait out corrections.

I really wanna get a new place mostly because waiting for a new roomate
sucks and keeps me on edge plus I eventually want 2 get 2 cats or 2
dogs. Im fighting for a cat right now.. Its killin me cuz I badly need
something to nurture.

Maybe havin a dog or cat will take away this nurturing feeling. Ggrrr!!
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Puzzle Pieces

I believe that everyones life fits together as a puzzle piece. Each
person we meet has a certain place in that puzzle. Whether it be the
person who trains us for work, or the girl you have a one night stand
with in the Starbucks bathroom. Everyone has their place. Sometimes our
personal puzzles change forcing others to leave or rearrange themselves.
For ex: a friend that becomes a girlfriend, her puzzle piece becomes
bigger, more dominant and it forces the most insignificant pieces like
those random booty calls that mightve once been there no longer has a
place in the new puzzle.

Some of us want so bad to fit into other personal puzzles. Some of us on
the other hand couldn't really give two shits.

My puzzle has always been a bit complicated but I try to find a place fo
everyone if I can. There's only a few puzzles that I want to truly have
a place in and out of all of them, there's only 1 puzzle that I don't
seem to have a place.

** sigh **

Gina
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

3 L's or 4 for Let Go

How far do you let the 3 L's take you?

• Love
• Lust
• Like

I think I've gone out of my way for the 3 L's just a little too much. And knowing this, still hasnt change the fact that I still do it til this very day. Gosh it bothers me soo much how out of my way I will go.

Sometimes I wanna say "Fuck it" and forget about the whole thing. I mean when it comes down to it, who really gives a fuck at he end of the day whether I went that extra mile, or mentioned to "you" how you make me feel. Only me.

I am so exhausted of feeling like I'm the only one willing to go more then a mile, but a plane trip away for the ONE sweet person. Maybe I'm my one sweet person.

AM I just being selfish? I know that everyone has their life, future and past to deal with. But it always seems like people are just Dealing instead of just living.

Everyone in my life is Dealing, except my mother, and maybe thats why I have been gravitating towards her recently. A breath of fresh air from someone who has life problems but doesnt let it make up what their life is about. I like that alot. I hope never to end up Dealing with life.

I vow to get out more and meet some new people.

A Poem to My Once Beloved Night Sky

Dear Night Sky

Night sky, you are the epitome of contradiction

Your stars shine bright making me believe that everything is calm

Yet

When I look at you, my eyes fill with tears.

The waves crash hard telling a different story of you night sky

Today is one of those nights my dear night sky

You trick me again

Like an inundation my eyes overflow

because although I thought I was used to the sadness you're capable

I find myself fighting back those tears you bring me

I guess I hoped, my lovely night sky, that this time

will be different

Dear Night Sky,

I close the curtains on your shine

and forever more I hope to never feel the power you once possessed over me

Night Sky

I bid you farewell....

Callouses

I think my heart is becoming one big callous. Sometimes I barely could feel my heart beat because its so low. I think i've become immuned to sadness to be honest. I have been depressed most of my life and suffered through a major break up which I thought I'd never recover from. Even now, I still wear those scars. I kinda feel like I've tried "love", and its a powerful thing; more then I realized. I respect it for what it is, but I do not want a new love unless its my family.

I still want a baby though, but as i usually add, not anytime soon. I want to start Corrections and finish my 3yr probation before I have a baby. At least my head will be clear and I will be more then financially comfortable. I love the name Junvier, the French pronounciation of Guiniveire. and I know its quite silly, but I really like the name Atreyu, like from the neverending story.

My mother never liked any of the "weird" names I came up with anyway. But if I gotta carry it for 9 months, the least I can do is name the lil sucker.

So let's see...

Oh yeah... the degrading thing that happened to me this morning. For the first time, my boss came in early and no one was here, except me. Usually his personal assistant makes his oatmeal, but she wasn't in yet. So by default I was TOLD I'd have to make it.

IVE NEVER EVEN MADE OATMEAL FOR MYSELF, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO MAKE IT FOR THIS GROWN ASS MAN!!! To make matters even worst, I was told to bring it to him while he was in his meeting with other people. So of course I was embarrassed as fuck serving this grown man oatmeal, while everyone looked at my servitude.

I so need to find a new job, but with the economy being shit, that doesnt seem likely unless Corrections hires me. I even stopped smoking weed, my last day was last weekend... yes the entire weekend was my last day.

I ate so much munchies that I got a stomach ache for 3days. It was harsh! J said that I ate enough food to last me three full fat peoples days. I barely eat a sandwhich a day so I was in alot of pain. I had just about 30 Wings.... Just thinking about it though makes me wanna lick my lips lol. But I'm trying to work on my ?2 pac? Well at least my stomach is VERY flat. I havent excercised in a while... I was disappointed in myself for struggling through 100 crunches.

But anyway, a 3day weekend is coming up Thank Gawd! It seems like Saturdays only last for four hours and Sundays are take out your clothes for work day.

Gosh I wanna go hiking and free my self from the pain of everyday existence.

FunK MoOD

I've been in a small kind of funk as of lately........

I dont know what it is. Between :

• my job,




• the mommy blues,




• my apartment




• my hiking business




• my ex..

I've been nothing but a jumble of emotions.

I work long hours, but luckily not laborous.

I have plans on how I want my future to be, and after feeling what love is

like and can be, I feel kinda lonely lately. I'm very into living my life, my way

without the influences of other. But I cant help but to glance back at that distant

window of that possible "fairytale" future that brought a smile to my face.

For the first time in my life, I understood and felt the excitement of what it

means to live the life of Pleasantville.

Dont get me wrong I'm not that naive,

but I've never saw anything positive about having children, buying a house

or even getting married. It all seemed like Bollix Bullshit. In less than 3 mnths

the window was shut and the curtains was closed, and for while, as I looked back

on my previous existence everything seemed so bleak and hollow. Now I'm trying to decorate

that little hollow space with my own sad versions of that fairytale sight.

How do things change so quickly?

I guess its true what they say "You're born alone, so live alone, then die alone"

I hope it isnt true. I feel like I do alot of hoping. ........ .

LoL if worst comes to worst maybe I'll have a baby with my bestfriend, LMAO!!!

WOW THAT WAS GAY!

My apartment does not get an acceptable amount of sunlight in the living room, and it makes

me so annoyed and I dont wanna go in there cuz I feel depressed. I think a studio apt will be fine for me. I'm thinking about moving, but I'm not going to tell many people.

I'm trying to get my hiking business underway, but unfortunately I must depend on

other people for help and they dont take it as seriously as I do (obviously)....

**Sigh**

On a lighter note... I was invited to a sexy lingerie party by my lesbian girlfriends on 2/13...

Eat your heart out boys.. LoLzZ

Jobs... Working... Blah....

My next venture for a job is Babysitting.

W8! I'm not finished!

Manhattan Babysitting..... I'm trying to pay bills. I am sOo tired of working at a desk job, shit if I can get this babysitting gig, maybe I'll have time to do my hiking. Hiking has been the biggest thing on my mind lately.

This year is all about hiking and Corrections...

Right now as I sit at this desk job, I feel completely exhausted as if I'm wasting my life. I cant see why any person would want to do this as a career whether they are making their bills or not. They have to feel like something is missing or that they didnt fulfill their purpose. I dunno.. Maybe I'm relating too much of my own experience on others..

I do wish I had a twin sister that I can relay these feelings to and they would possibly understand. It seems like modern day life is way too boring.

No one has many adventures anymore, and when they do its because their job allowed them time to do so. I think that's utter BULL.

U give time to your job, not the other way around.

You dont NEED that organic pita bread to survie. I bet most of us could survive off of grass if we were really starving to death, although I'm no t going to be the one to test that theory.

Ho Hum... Another day, another slave dollar....