I believe that this blog has showed at least some improvement in myself and attitude towards things. I'm no longer, suicidal (lol), depressed, and miserable. I am still impatient, but I guess that is to be expected, its just me.
Last night I had an EPIPHANY.
I was dreaming that J had come back to me, she told me that she had made "A huge mistake". I wasnt happy or sad, just completely uncertain. In my dreams, I tend to be emotionally raw and truthful. It made me realize that I am not lying to myself or in denial about the uncertainty I feel towards her. I know I love her, and I know one day I'd love to be able to love her again, but not now.. maybe not even in this lifetime. We made love after that.. Shortly I woke up.
My heart felt like a huge void was ripped open in the center of it. It felt like a black hole had opened up. It hurt so bad, that I cried. 4:00am I was crying like a big baby because of this VOID that caused me so much pain.
i knew that I wasnt in pain because I felt a loss for J, it was the void that I had took so long to heal that was killing me. As i prayed, (which is very rare) I slowly began to feel better. After about ten minutes or so I felt completely better, the void had become a bruise. I knew it was the dream that had tormented me, but I was glad I was well enough to go back to sleep.
I was worried that I'd wake up in heartache, but I didnt. I felt more excited to get through the days in order to start my hike.. which reminds me, I need to buy Gas for my stove UGgghh...
Anyway, during this prayer, the only thing that came to my mind was 1 word
I dont know where, or what it means.. but it kept coming to my mind.
"Just Go... and everything will eventually be ok."
I think thats what made me feel at peace, because I believed it.
In my attempt to GO, I must find Peace I believe... I know it will be difficult but I just know, its really the only way....
Because J has been the hardest strain on my heart and sometimes mind I've vritten this..
You have always been my bright and shining Knight.
I miss you completely, and I miss the way you usta make me feel.
You're a great person, and I hope you find true happiness one day.
For the first time, I genuinely want you to be happy, even if its not with me.
Sometimes I wish I could read your mind, so I knew the truth about how
you felt towards me. I hate cordial behavior we put on for each other, but
I guess thats why things have become so awkward. I thought that maybe if we communicated more then it would help, but it doesnt seem you are able to stick to that whatever the reason may be. For my own sanity, and from my exhaustion, my mind, heart and soul
has said good bye to you. I take after your example in the fact that I want to be
only about me now. I've kept a glimmer of hope unknowingly. Until last night,
I had been fighting with my thoughts about you, trying to keep it all at bay.
Secretly, I hoped you were going through the same struggle, but your answer
has always been the same "I dont know how to respond to that," whenever i've tried to be REAL with you,
I'm not mad it just made me more and more doubtful. I no longer hate you, not even a little bit.I have immense love for you. I hope we see each other again in a different light, whatever that might be. This year is a year for change. I know that when I join Corrections,
it'll be the complete transition and all of this will simply be put into my past and not
brought up again. I will remember always though.
Thank You for everything,
And I'll see you when I see you
It is Mid-May already...
July, I will be 21, and I'll be starting my new career (hopefully) as an officer. My mom has met most of her life friends and loves at the job. Who knows maybe I'll do the same. ((Besides, there are alot of lesbians that are officers, lol)
I already know that will be a new set of drama waiting to happen. ((Cant Wait))
Looking To the Future ------------
I have been offered a new job oppurtunity as a Flower Delivery Person... Imagine, from Receptionist of an Advertising Company to flower Delivery Girl... If you know me well enough, you wouldn't be so surprise lol.
Love for now is a Slow Go, but I'm always up for a challenge and cant wait. As much as it did hurt, I know that I wouldnt hesitate to do it again if I felt it was the right person. Little old me is gonna be a bit more choosey this time though lol SOrry Psycho's... I'm looking for my forever woman to eventually be with.. BUT DATES ARE STILL ACCEPTED!!! LOL nah just kidding, those shits are expensive, but I'm openminded.
I love my apartment so much, but after a few months at Corrections, I will be moving if I find the PERFECT loft for me. Investments Investments....
Anyway, for now I will cotinue my hikes, 9-6's, and sparatic litter change.
Chapter Finale almost coming to an end ....