Conflicted and Determined

An Unsent letter to someone special

Sometimes I want to give up too...

Sometimes I want to let it go, and call it quits...

But at the end of the day, I want to still know you.

I want to still call you when something big happens, or something important happens.

I want to call you when I'm exasperated and when I need some sane advice.

I'm not scared to let go either, but I am scared to not know you anymore.

You're someone important to me and although I am not a priority of yours, you are still of mine.

Our relationship has been reduced to awkward texts, and your anger towards my stubborness. Still, I will TRY my hardest to build a new foundation, but I cant do it alone J. I cant build this foundation by myself.

I want you to want me again.. I messed up in a way I didnt think was possible, and now I'm jus another scar in your life. You are my bestfriend and I dont want to have to live without you in my life.

I know all you want to do is punish me for how I've made you feel. I dont want to be punished or take it but I will if that's what it takes to bring you back into my life. I'm aware of you, and myself, and I will try my best not to hurt either.

No matter how I feel, whether I want to let everything we have go, or build anew. I KNOW that in the end I dont want to NOT know you. Even if we decided to not do this anymore... I would pray to God, Buddha Allah, whatever... that I will see you in the future.

Sometimes I feel trapped, you tell me you dont know if you want to do this with me anymore, and when I say I'll leave you become angry at me because you think you should've left me when you had the chance. I tell you But I do wanna stay and again you tell me You dont know if you want to do this with me.

God, those words crush me... I didnt show it but they crushed me and I wanted to cry and scream out WHY!! I wanted to yell out that IF YOU DONT WANT ME THAN JUST GO BECAUSE I AM SURE ABOUT WANTING YOU AND ITS NOT FAIR!! I know that the moment you told me it was done, I would've cried for a long time and I would disappear from you forever. I'm good at disappearing, the world is my hideout.

I dont want you to leave and I hate the fact that your mother mightve said that to get rid of me is to end ur pain. I swear it feels like your mother has been hoping to have me gone since the moment I said Hello to you. When I asked you, and you said Does it Matter. OF COURSE IT DID!! WOuld I ask if it didnt?! DO i ask questions just becuase?? Never. I hate when you ask Does it Matter, It kills me...

All of the anger from you, the crap wit ur moms words and constant attention needing, I am choosing to go through because I know its my fault too. I'm not scared to take responsibility for what I've done.

I just want you to want me again. :-(

From Gina

February 20th sucks!

Today absolutely sucks!



I think my job completely hates Fridays and will try their best to make it as shitty as possible.

As much as I look forward to Fridays, at the same time I wonder what shit Imma have to go through today in order to get to my fuckin weekend. I SWEAR I DO NOT OVER EXAGGERATE. EVERY FUCKIN FRIDAY.



So, I was asked by the bosses assistant to put some business cards in alphabetical order, little did I know that there was at least 300 cards in that bitch, easily could've been more. So that heated me up, but I was like you know what, I have nothing to do Fuck It. Finally three days later I get done, and she comes up to me and says



"Oh, you gotta do these over."

I'm like "Why"

She says "Because these business cards are suppose to be in alphabetical order by last name not comapany."

Me: "Are you kidding me...."

She says : "Sorry you gotta do them over."



I am soo upset, I'm not touching those fuckin cards til I calm down because I will burn them..


****************************************

So I just had my 3 month evaluation, which was a joke.

I asked her why she didnt tell me to do that way, and she was like I like them that way, and thats how it should be done.
That didnt even answer my question, but ok... I am so tired of her mood swings, and I refuse to deal with them or be friendly with her anymore. I think she is Uber phony.. lol Uber.

She said how I rolled my eyes and gave her an attitude about the cards thing. I'm like yeah I was annoyed. And I was told to apologize by my other boss, so I did and she was like Well I'm not apologizing.

I'm like Wow ok... Its high school all over again but worst cause I cant ignore anyone, I need this job to pay my rent. Woosah.......

this is how i feel : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggpq5mRdxaY

They want me to be more enthusiastic about the work they give me...

I've never seen a picture with a slave smiling while doing their work.

I make this man oatmeal, alphabetize a whole bunch of bullshit business cards, run to his house which is on 150th st. from Canal st. (think of canal as 1st st or -5st) to get his fucking Debit card that he left at home while its freezing outside, and I'm suppose to be smiling. That's not even in my fuckin job description. They ask me if I still wanna be here bcause I dont go a step further with my work, should I spoon feed the motherfucker too?!

I dont understand why jobs like this exist....

Corporations and cooperate people just DO NOT MIX with me.. its as simple as that, and I will do this shit for as long as I need to.


Oh and to add insult to injury The Sims 3 was suppose to come out today and it is being delayed to June 2nd. I think the only solace I have is Kim Harrisons book coming out in 4 days. Hopefully it wont be on a Friday by some horrible calendar tragedy.

Plans.. Oh Sweet Plans

I love 2 hike... did I mention that I love to hike? Well I really do..

I am known as a "free spirited""feminist hippie" (quoted by those
dearest to me) and my so called labels deemed me this for the simple
fact that, in May I am planning to not only quit my job but risk my
not-so-great-situation apartment. The reason I am doing this besides the
fact that I dislike all of the above, is because I want to go hiking and
be stress free for awhile that bad.

My plan does not sound like the smartest but I assure you it works out
because it makes sense to me. I find that's my Karma or Lifestyle that
works well particularly for me.

Im planning on becoming a Correctional Officer. The class for me starts
in July if it doesn't get cancelled because of the NYC freeze. I am
hoping that my tax return will at least be big enough to hold me til
july. If not, I will move out and live with my sperm donor in virginia.
As much as I dislike the idea, it makes sense. It will give me time to
wait out corrections.

I really wanna get a new place mostly because waiting for a new roomate
sucks and keeps me on edge plus I eventually want 2 get 2 cats or 2
dogs. Im fighting for a cat right now.. Its killin me cuz I badly need
something to nurture.

Maybe havin a dog or cat will take away this nurturing feeling. Ggrrr!!
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Puzzle Pieces

I believe that everyones life fits together as a puzzle piece. Each
person we meet has a certain place in that puzzle. Whether it be the
person who trains us for work, or the girl you have a one night stand
with in the Starbucks bathroom. Everyone has their place. Sometimes our
personal puzzles change forcing others to leave or rearrange themselves.
For ex: a friend that becomes a girlfriend, her puzzle piece becomes
bigger, more dominant and it forces the most insignificant pieces like
those random booty calls that mightve once been there no longer has a
place in the new puzzle.

Some of us want so bad to fit into other personal puzzles. Some of us on
the other hand couldn't really give two shits.

My puzzle has always been a bit complicated but I try to find a place fo
everyone if I can. There's only a few puzzles that I want to truly have
a place in and out of all of them, there's only 1 puzzle that I don't
seem to have a place.

** sigh **

Gina
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

3 L's or 4 for Let Go

How far do you let the 3 L's take you?

• Love
• Lust
• Like

I think I've gone out of my way for the 3 L's just a little too much. And knowing this, still hasnt change the fact that I still do it til this very day. Gosh it bothers me soo much how out of my way I will go.

Sometimes I wanna say "Fuck it" and forget about the whole thing. I mean when it comes down to it, who really gives a fuck at he end of the day whether I went that extra mile, or mentioned to "you" how you make me feel. Only me.

I am so exhausted of feeling like I'm the only one willing to go more then a mile, but a plane trip away for the ONE sweet person. Maybe I'm my one sweet person.

AM I just being selfish? I know that everyone has their life, future and past to deal with. But it always seems like people are just Dealing instead of just living.

Everyone in my life is Dealing, except my mother, and maybe thats why I have been gravitating towards her recently. A breath of fresh air from someone who has life problems but doesnt let it make up what their life is about. I like that alot. I hope never to end up Dealing with life.

I vow to get out more and meet some new people.

A Poem to My Once Beloved Night Sky

Dear Night Sky

Night sky, you are the epitome of contradiction

Your stars shine bright making me believe that everything is calm

Yet

When I look at you, my eyes fill with tears.

The waves crash hard telling a different story of you night sky

Today is one of those nights my dear night sky

You trick me again

Like an inundation my eyes overflow

because although I thought I was used to the sadness you're capable

I find myself fighting back those tears you bring me

I guess I hoped, my lovely night sky, that this time

will be different

Dear Night Sky,

I close the curtains on your shine

and forever more I hope to never feel the power you once possessed over me

Night Sky

I bid you farewell....

Callouses

I think my heart is becoming one big callous. Sometimes I barely could feel my heart beat because its so low. I think i've become immuned to sadness to be honest. I have been depressed most of my life and suffered through a major break up which I thought I'd never recover from. Even now, I still wear those scars. I kinda feel like I've tried "love", and its a powerful thing; more then I realized. I respect it for what it is, but I do not want a new love unless its my family.

I still want a baby though, but as i usually add, not anytime soon. I want to start Corrections and finish my 3yr probation before I have a baby. At least my head will be clear and I will be more then financially comfortable. I love the name Junvier, the French pronounciation of Guiniveire. and I know its quite silly, but I really like the name Atreyu, like from the neverending story.

My mother never liked any of the "weird" names I came up with anyway. But if I gotta carry it for 9 months, the least I can do is name the lil sucker.

So let's see...

Oh yeah... the degrading thing that happened to me this morning. For the first time, my boss came in early and no one was here, except me. Usually his personal assistant makes his oatmeal, but she wasn't in yet. So by default I was TOLD I'd have to make it.

IVE NEVER EVEN MADE OATMEAL FOR MYSELF, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO MAKE IT FOR THIS GROWN ASS MAN!!! To make matters even worst, I was told to bring it to him while he was in his meeting with other people. So of course I was embarrassed as fuck serving this grown man oatmeal, while everyone looked at my servitude.

I so need to find a new job, but with the economy being shit, that doesnt seem likely unless Corrections hires me. I even stopped smoking weed, my last day was last weekend... yes the entire weekend was my last day.

I ate so much munchies that I got a stomach ache for 3days. It was harsh! J said that I ate enough food to last me three full fat peoples days. I barely eat a sandwhich a day so I was in alot of pain. I had just about 30 Wings.... Just thinking about it though makes me wanna lick my lips lol. But I'm trying to work on my ?2 pac? Well at least my stomach is VERY flat. I havent excercised in a while... I was disappointed in myself for struggling through 100 crunches.

But anyway, a 3day weekend is coming up Thank Gawd! It seems like Saturdays only last for four hours and Sundays are take out your clothes for work day.

Gosh I wanna go hiking and free my self from the pain of everyday existence.

FunK MoOD

I've been in a small kind of funk as of lately........

I dont know what it is. Between :

• my job,




• the mommy blues,




• my apartment




• my hiking business




• my ex..

I've been nothing but a jumble of emotions.

I work long hours, but luckily not laborous.

I have plans on how I want my future to be, and after feeling what love is

like and can be, I feel kinda lonely lately. I'm very into living my life, my way

without the influences of other. But I cant help but to glance back at that distant

window of that possible "fairytale" future that brought a smile to my face.

For the first time in my life, I understood and felt the excitement of what it

means to live the life of Pleasantville.

Dont get me wrong I'm not that naive,

but I've never saw anything positive about having children, buying a house

or even getting married. It all seemed like Bollix Bullshit. In less than 3 mnths

the window was shut and the curtains was closed, and for while, as I looked back

on my previous existence everything seemed so bleak and hollow. Now I'm trying to decorate

that little hollow space with my own sad versions of that fairytale sight.

How do things change so quickly?

I guess its true what they say "You're born alone, so live alone, then die alone"

I hope it isnt true. I feel like I do alot of hoping. ........ .

LoL if worst comes to worst maybe I'll have a baby with my bestfriend, LMAO!!!

WOW THAT WAS GAY!

My apartment does not get an acceptable amount of sunlight in the living room, and it makes

me so annoyed and I dont wanna go in there cuz I feel depressed. I think a studio apt will be fine for me. I'm thinking about moving, but I'm not going to tell many people.

I'm trying to get my hiking business underway, but unfortunately I must depend on

other people for help and they dont take it as seriously as I do (obviously)....

**Sigh**

On a lighter note... I was invited to a sexy lingerie party by my lesbian girlfriends on 2/13...

Eat your heart out boys.. LoLzZ

Jobs... Working... Blah....

My next venture for a job is Babysitting.

W8! I'm not finished!

Manhattan Babysitting..... I'm trying to pay bills. I am sOo tired of working at a desk job, shit if I can get this babysitting gig, maybe I'll have time to do my hiking. Hiking has been the biggest thing on my mind lately.

This year is all about hiking and Corrections...

Right now as I sit at this desk job, I feel completely exhausted as if I'm wasting my life. I cant see why any person would want to do this as a career whether they are making their bills or not. They have to feel like something is missing or that they didnt fulfill their purpose. I dunno.. Maybe I'm relating too much of my own experience on others..

I do wish I had a twin sister that I can relay these feelings to and they would possibly understand. It seems like modern day life is way too boring.

No one has many adventures anymore, and when they do its because their job allowed them time to do so. I think that's utter BULL.

U give time to your job, not the other way around.

You dont NEED that organic pita bread to survie. I bet most of us could survive off of grass if we were really starving to death, although I'm no t going to be the one to test that theory.

Ho Hum... Another day, another slave dollar....