Conflicted and Determined

An Unsent letter to someone special

Sometimes I want to give up too...

Sometimes I want to let it go, and call it quits...

But at the end of the day, I want to still know you.

I want to still call you when something big happens, or something important happens.

I want to call you when I'm exasperated and when I need some sane advice.

I'm not scared to let go either, but I am scared to not know you anymore.

You're someone important to me and although I am not a priority of yours, you are still of mine.

Our relationship has been reduced to awkward texts, and your anger towards my stubborness. Still, I will TRY my hardest to build a new foundation, but I cant do it alone J. I cant build this foundation by myself.

I want you to want me again.. I messed up in a way I didnt think was possible, and now I'm jus another scar in your life. You are my bestfriend and I dont want to have to live without you in my life.

I know all you want to do is punish me for how I've made you feel. I dont want to be punished or take it but I will if that's what it takes to bring you back into my life. I'm aware of you, and myself, and I will try my best not to hurt either.

No matter how I feel, whether I want to let everything we have go, or build anew. I KNOW that in the end I dont want to NOT know you. Even if we decided to not do this anymore... I would pray to God, Buddha Allah, whatever... that I will see you in the future.

Sometimes I feel trapped, you tell me you dont know if you want to do this with me anymore, and when I say I'll leave you become angry at me because you think you should've left me when you had the chance. I tell you But I do wanna stay and again you tell me You dont know if you want to do this with me.

God, those words crush me... I didnt show it but they crushed me and I wanted to cry and scream out WHY!! I wanted to yell out that IF YOU DONT WANT ME THAN JUST GO BECAUSE I AM SURE ABOUT WANTING YOU AND ITS NOT FAIR!! I know that the moment you told me it was done, I would've cried for a long time and I would disappear from you forever. I'm good at disappearing, the world is my hideout.

I dont want you to leave and I hate the fact that your mother mightve said that to get rid of me is to end ur pain. I swear it feels like your mother has been hoping to have me gone since the moment I said Hello to you. When I asked you, and you said Does it Matter. OF COURSE IT DID!! WOuld I ask if it didnt?! DO i ask questions just becuase?? Never. I hate when you ask Does it Matter, It kills me...

All of the anger from you, the crap wit ur moms words and constant attention needing, I am choosing to go through because I know its my fault too. I'm not scared to take responsibility for what I've done.

I just want you to want me again. :-(

From Gina