Monday, March 2, 2009

A bit down with some Whiskey to follow

Everyone needs time to themselves. Some need a few seconds to regroup, some need a couple of months. I think I need a couple of days or weeks. I've become so entangled in other peoples feelings and emotions towards me, and I thought by putting myself out there, and giving everythig a positive chance, theres no reason why things wouldn't work out.

But sometimes, its not the right time, or others dont really care. I simply just dont know. I'm stressing, and I'm getting insomnia, then I'm tired all day. I'm so tired of being patient now because all my efforts aren't counting for shit. I'm done wanting to be wanted or seen.... I'm done. I thought that if I'm patient things will work.. But its not about patience, simply put; People either do or dont want to fuck with you. If they do they will make the effort to do so or at least not deny those pleasures, and if they dont then they simply wont.

I just need to leave for a bit, I guess I'll see who will be around when I come back. Those are the people who cared, who are treasured. And the people who dont even notice will be a past memory.
I cant keep caring or pushing for things that dont even care or want me.

I'm not going to force anyone to try to make it work with me if they dont want to. I'm growing into a very interesting woman and would love to express it with those dear to me. I guess that would work better if they cared to know what your expressing.

I feel like my efforts to work with my father and build a relationship is the epitome of how shitty things are going for me, with the people around me. Wasted efforts, not a damn thing to show for it except a reminder of a "Rosie Past". I'm tired.... i exhaust myself.. I dont think it even matters to them whether I tried or not, because in the end, its what truly matters and is important to them, and you know what, I'm not one of them.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm my own bestfriend or my worst enemy.

This is so pathetic to say, but I wish I mattered to someone other than my mother and bff. And I mean really mattered, that I am one of the top things on their list. I remember when I got really sick in florida, and my bestfriend practically took off work for a week just to accompany to the hospital back and forth. I know she had to go to work and was probably on the verge of getting fired (I had to tell her to go to work and that I'll be okay). I was really down about how sick I had gotten because I was nauseous and stayed in the bed the entire time. She had cooked for me breakfast and dinner and tried to get me out of the house, and talked to me alot so I wont be so alone. Sometimes she would even come into the room and lock the door so we could just have Alone Time, and we'd light up a blunt and she would make alotta jokes. I appreciated that so much. She lives in Florida though :-( I know I'm like a sister to her and she loves me alot.

I usta have alot of love in my life only but a year ago, now it seems like things can change before you even know it. I'm glad Al came from Fla for the weekend just to spend her 21st Bday with me even though we couldnt do any clubbing since I wouldnt have been able to get in.

I need to be stronger though, I cant depend on people to stick around forever even if they promised. I should be enough for me. But if I was, then why am I even writing this??

Cuz I'm not enough for me. You cant surprise yourself with flowers or a Family Day Out.

I'm tired of being disappointed............... even The L Word has let me down lol

I'll drink to the United States of Tara though, the few pleasures in my life right now. Bottoms up!

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