I think my heart is becoming one big callous. Sometimes I barely could feel my heart beat because its so low. I think i've become immuned to sadness to be honest. I have been depressed most of my life and suffered through a major break up which I thought I'd never recover from. Even now, I still wear those scars. I kinda feel like I've tried "love", and its a powerful thing; more then I realized. I respect it for what it is, but I do not want a new love unless its my family.
I still want a baby though, but as i usually add, not anytime soon. I want to start Corrections and finish my 3yr probation before I have a baby. At least my head will be clear and I will be more then financially comfortable. I love the name Junvier, the French pronounciation of Guiniveire. and I know its quite silly, but I really like the name Atreyu, like from the neverending story.
My mother never liked any of the "weird" names I came up with anyway. But if I gotta carry it for 9 months, the least I can do is name the lil sucker.
So let's see...
Oh yeah... the degrading thing that happened to me this morning. For the first time, my boss came in early and no one was here, except me. Usually his personal assistant makes his oatmeal, but she wasn't in yet. So by default I was TOLD I'd have to make it.
IVE NEVER EVEN MADE OATMEAL FOR MYSELF, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO MAKE IT FOR THIS GROWN ASS MAN!!! To make matters even worst, I was told to bring it to him while he was in his meeting with other people. So of course I was embarrassed as fuck serving this grown man oatmeal, while everyone looked at my servitude.
I so need to find a new job, but with the economy being shit, that doesnt seem likely unless Corrections hires me. I even stopped smoking weed, my last day was last weekend... yes the entire weekend was my last day.
I ate so much munchies that I got a stomach ache for 3days. It was harsh! J said that I ate enough food to last me three full fat peoples days. I barely eat a sandwhich a day so I was in alot of pain. I had just about 30 Wings.... Just thinking about it though makes me wanna lick my lips lol. But I'm trying to work on my ?2 pac? Well at least my stomach is VERY flat. I havent excercised in a while... I was disappointed in myself for struggling through 100 crunches.
But anyway, a 3day weekend is coming up Thank Gawd! It seems like Saturdays only last for four hours and Sundays are take out your clothes for work day.
Gosh I wanna go hiking and free my self from the pain of everyday existence.