Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Today as I was walking with Lady S to Bryant Park, some woman who wasn't paying attention nearly bumped into me. I swivelled to get out the way but she ended up bumping my bag instead. She turned around like 30 seconds later and all I heard was
the N word.
Right in the middle of 42nd street, this crazy woman called me the N Word. My mind didnt even understand, and I had to ask Lady S if she really said what I thought she said. When Lady S confirmed, I turned around but she was already gone.
That was the first time in my life I was called that. I knew there was still racism but
I didnt think I'd ever encounter it so bluntly in the middle of New York on a beautiful sunny day. I knew that woman lost her damn mind, and I wasnt going to let her ruin my joyous mood.
Lady S and I had a relaxed time, and by the end of the day
she gave me a light peck near my neck.
If I was a blusher, I wouldve blushed really hard!
But she opened the gate way, and now I'm determined to @ least give her a kiss on the cheek. LoL, usually I'm so much worst, I feel like a shy school girl!
Ugggh! Whats wrong with me.
Maybe its because I'm trying to get comfortable and I'm slowly seeing if its okay to be myelf with her.
With the exceptin of that ignorant woman, my day is going

Natural Beauty

Natural women have always been the most attractive to me. Its common to
see women wearing perms, fake nails, weaves etc. It never moved me and
I'd always wonder how long they'd try to keep up the facade. It was
bound to become too much work or expensive.

Usually all natural females, especially Black women are givin a second
glance. People are usually surprised that they are so daring to not
conform. As a young woman, I noticed that the girls that didn't have
perms were mocked and made fun of. They were called nappy or ugly, even
by other women who obviously had the same situation going on Post

I hated it so much because out of sheer pressure, those that were mocked
would conform and get a perm or some other fake shit not needed.its so
sad, some of my friends couldn't even afford to get the latest fashions
but they would bend over backwards gathering money to buy another pair
of Jordans they didn't even need.

I have always been, and will always be, a Sketchers fan. I did get
teased about it, but not a lot, because I was proud and comfortable with
my sneaks.

I think women who go natural get extra cool points for not conforming.
They are brave because they are risking judgement and ridicule. They are
beautiful because they are confident about being themselves, and im
attracted to them cuz im simply a homo lol a natural-girl loving homo.

Monday, March 30, 2009

A good night

Today has been a good day. J called me twice today. I know I know.... it
was just a good convo that's all. Im way too exhausted to get my hopes
up, and funny enough subconciously I haven't. But she's still my Edward,

Lady S called me too tonight as well, which was a surprise, a pleasant
one. I like making her laugh a lot. We talked about that younger vs
older relationship issue. She's only 4 years older than me, we both have
our own place, car and job. We have good convos and enjoy each others
company. If it were to evolve into anything else, I don't want to have
to deal with something I can't control.

The thing is, we are really just chillin together without expectations..
I enjoy it cuz she's really positive and inspires me. I mean she
confuses the hell outta me as well but overall I enjoy her person.

I don't think she or I are ready to jump into anything overly serious. I
still need to heal the holes in my heart and she has bruises on her own
from what it seems.

I am excited 2 spend summer days with her, and im super nervous about
her stayin at my house for the weekend, its so boring..
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New Moon

As I read Edwards promise to Bella that he will never leave her again, I
find myself surprisingly jealous of the fictional character. But at the
same time appreciative that such characters exist that explained my self
torture so well. New Moon definately describes me a little too well...
the fact that edward comes back makes it hard for me to finish the book
though, but I appreciate it all the same..

One part of the story, Bella talks about being fair to the others that
love her, and although her romeo doesn't want her love, is it okay for
her to share a small piece of that with Jacob. She compares Jacob to
Paris from Romeo and Juliet.. I feel like that entire situation
seriously hit home for me.

I can't believe such a book can mirror my own life.

Unlike Bella though, I am determined to be happy and I don't scream in
my sleep, I just talk sleep or not sleep @ all..

Time is passing and the hole in my heart is no longer raw, just
sensitive to the touch. Maybe time does heal most wounds after all... it
doesn't change the love you will always have though, I don't think so

I wonder if people knew how broken I feel most of the time would I get
as much attention as I do. The one person who did know nearly collapsed
under the pressure I had applied. Sometimes I feel as if I were a
starved vampire that sucked her dry while telling her sweet words. Scary
enough that's probably accurate.

As I said though, I am letting go and trying to be a different person
because I like living, and dying slowly from a broken heart isn't my
ideal way of going out.

Lady S and I may have lunch together tomorro since its suppose 2 b a
nice day. I hope I make it back to work on time, hee hee...
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Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Goodbye unspoken

There are times when I feel like my heart is being squeezed, and I can't
breathe. Sometimes when I think about it, my chest pounds and tears
threaten my eyes. What's worst is the indifference she presents. I think
its better when she is completely silent. All of this I do with her is
trial and error. I know that I can't keep doing everything that just
works for her or making myself constantly available whenever its right
for her. Although there are times she makes me feel as if im drowning,
my heart and mind is slowly letting go. I can feel it. I am no longer
lost in confusion at her seemingly uncaring words, i can stop, breathe
and react.

I guess I've already said goodbye and a second time isn't needed. But it
was said and I did try..

Everyone loses hope eventually...
Sent from my Soul

Thursday, March 26, 2009

WTF is Twitter

I'm hearing all about this twitter business... I havent looked at the site yet, and I'm really trying not too. Haven't we become addicted to enough sites already. I barely can make it off facebook, thank goodness I'm no longer addicted to myspace, and please dont get me started on youtube and flickr.

I just want to live a normal life and read books, and meet people face to face with a simple head on conversation. Every time I work up the nerve (which by the way usually takes me about half an hour) to say hi to someone, they ignore me. No wait, they are not ignoring me they have their bloody headphones on! THen I'm stuck there looking like an ass, so I quickly scamper away like a damn roach with the light on..


I will check out Twitter just to see what the big hooblah is about, but I am not, I repeat! WILL NOT start an account.


OKay so I check out the site! And it all a big trap, another way to disconnect me from "The Real World".....

They use words like, this is "The REal World" and theirs "life after blogs"....


Its a site full of updates of my life in less than 140 characters. I mean do i really give a shit if my friend is wiping her ass 2 seconds ago? THats a part of life and the beauty of it being called a "personal" life....

What has the world come too.... I will not join... I will not join.... I will not join.....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I was watching Lost yesterday and one of the maion characters named
Locke talked about how he needed to do this thing called a Walkabout.
Its when you need to experience being one with nature, when nature feeds
you its positive energy. Almost like a Healing Spring. That's me just
summarizing it though, its a bit more.

Anyway, it made me think about what I was doing with this hike and he
said it in perfect words. I look it up and blog the definition of
Walkabout if that's a real word.

Also im going on a very strict diet with my liquids; only cranberry
juice and water. It will clean out my blood and keep me rejuvenated. I
will also drink Orange juice occassionally for the vitamins. I should
take those as well but I don't trust them.

(Something smells kinda shower, I wonder if its the dirty jeans im
wearing or the lady next to me)

Anyway will blog more later.. These seroquels are kicking my ass but I
sleep like the dead and my emotions don't overwhelm me when im sad.

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The hike

My stomach is shrinking now. I hadn't eaten practically all day, and
then I had a cheeseburger with medium fries and I feel like im gonna
burst, or maybe its built up gas...probably the latter...

Im on my way home from work and I've been feelin pretty blah for the
pass couple of weeks. My soul feels starved and I feel guilty about
that. I need to go on this hike no matter what. Even if I go on my own I
do not mind, I need this.. I know ill survive the aftermath one way or
the other but I need to be where I belong fo awhile.

I need the rejuvenation that only nature and occassional weed can bring
lol... I've been feeling so down and out and I realize why im not enough
fo me, I need nature. Nature has enough positive energy that can fill my
soul the brim if I let it.

May 15th is the big trip... imma try my hardest to make it happen. I
wish myself luck and hope that things can work to my advantage.

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Monday, March 23, 2009

Light Skin

Since I was younger I've always wished I was darker. Going to mostly
black schools definately did not make me feel more self assured as it
was probably meant to do, in fact the opposite happened.

I was constantly teased about my fair skin and black features. I'd get
questions like:

Are you albino? (Although clearly my hair was dark brown and I wasn't
that light)

Are you even black?

Why is your hair so nappy and your so light?

Oh my gosh and don't get me started on the stares. I could feel the eyes
burning into my face questioning my nationality. I've always identified
with my black community more then I have with the caucasion side of me
since I do not know that part well. My mom herself is a mutt, so im
second generation.

There were times when I wished I had clear cut features of a clear cut
race, but I don't.

I was rejected from both sides of my identity, because to both, I
represented "the other side". Makin friends was no joy and my self
esteem was in the negatives.

I always laugh when I hear people say that light skin people think they
are better than people with darker skin. In actuallity, I wished I was
them. But I definately wasn't gonna share that with the person throwin

I kinda jus been workin through bein proud of who I am. I'm a
lightskinned sistah with nappy roots and lovin it. Don't get me wrong,
im the first person outside when a bit of sun comes out, but im learnin
to love me one step at a time.

Jus somethin I thought I'd share....

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Sunday, March 22, 2009


Although awkward, being at S's house has inspired me to find out who I
am. She's made me think about where I want my life to go and how I want
to represent myself when I get there.

I've changed in a big way since only last year, yet I felt the need to
keep proving it to others. But you know what, that's not what its about.
Although its nice that people see you the way you see yourself, its
about self motivation to become the person you want to be. I no longer
care for others opinion of me.

I figure, ill be myself and the people who appreciate that and me will
just come my way eventually. I need to gain more confidence, self
respect and love. I have began this journey and it makes me feel good.

This feels right. FINALLY!

Peace and love to everyone!
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Xhausted and Going Solo

I am so tired of women, relationships and the drama they bring along..

Nothing bad happened.... but I've got a total headache and have been dealing with women issues all weekend. I'm officially Asexual... No women, no men and occassional sex.

Thats it.

If i happen to find love along the way then so be it, but I'm totally no longer dating anymore.
I just want to enjor myself and live my freaking life. If it was easy to cut everyone off that gets on my nerves, I would, but I know I would regret it later.

For now, I'm taking a chill pill on it all.

My new focus and love is me, and I plan to treat that love with all I can give it.

----- Here's a little something off the top of MY head, for all those people who are the stones in my kidney------

You build me up
You knock me down
I frown on the faces you make me face day to day looking at your face
Whether in my mind or right in front of me
Your a heartbreak
A simple ache
I try to relieve you by just being myself
ANd Im writen with a warrent for all the things I've felt
I'm tired of thinking about what you want
I simply dont give a shit, not a blasted fart
Fuck you, my sweet kidney stone, because I worry about your wants no more.

By Lil Ol' me......


P.S I had the most peaceful time w/Lady S

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I needed a release. Im on the stairwell of my job and spent over half of
my lunchbreak on the stairwell crying my eyes out. I look a mess.. My
eyes are red and puffy, my nose looks like nick name shud be rudolf.

I know I pretend like things people say or do don't affect me but I am
extremely sensitive. I just want ................ I won't say.

Thank God my bff picked up the phone, she always makes me feel better. I
cried so hard I think I scared people off the stairs. I want to cry some
more but I can't go back to work with red tear stained eyes.

I am sad.... aren't I?
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Sometimes I feel like I go through a new heartbreak everyday...

Quote of the day given to me : i love you but you hurt me more than u make me happy and its been like that for too long my exasperation my frustration anger hurt and pain outweigh
how i feel about you a lotof times its not

What do you do when the person you once loved told u this? Do you fight back
tears that threaten ur entire being? I'm at work.. with held back tears that
I could possibly make anyone feel this way. How loud do you scream that that isnt
you anymore. That you're different....

What do you do?

I can understand how she has felt, and I dont want to feel that way towards
her, but thats whats happning to me as well.... God, thats how I'm starting
to feel towards her.....

I need to leave her before I hate her, before there's no chance of me ever
wanting to see her face again. I dont want to, but what choice do I

In just those few words ALL my hopes of us one day just being has shattered
into a million pieces.. I wasnt even given a chance.......

Hum De La Drum

I took half a Seroquel last night because my nerves were completely jumpy after abruptly getting off the phone with the eX last night. My eyes feel extremely heavy this morning and I barely want to talk (which freakin suX since I am practically an operator for this company), yet I'm forcing myself to do these things, like type, just to keep my body in motion and not fall apart at the seams. I dont know how people could take this pill in the day, I'd fall out wherever I ended up.

My life seems so simple yet complicated all at the same time. I want so badly to move on with my life and become some happy wife that should've been named Mary or some shit. I want to bake cookies for my lovely lady as we sit in front of our t.v and watch Imagine Me & You for the hundredth time. After we would laugh and talk about babies as I washed the dishes and she got the bed ready..... But the way my life is goin, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up and had to getready to do another night shift at the City jails so that I can pay for the new scratch on my damn car.

I think it's so funny that when I was younger, all I wanted to be a was the Bad Ass New York Bitch who didnt take any shit from no one and wore the best designer jeans and Shades; now I'm talking about being MaryLou from Pleasantville. How things change as we get older....

AnywhO.... I've got a "movie date" with the lovely S, and I'm really looking forward to it. SHe shares alot of my views which is kinda different in itself, but very much appreciated. I respect her ALOT and feel compelled to get to know everything about her..

::sigh:: I am way too much for myself sometimes...... lol

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Looking at the Skyy

So Shara is gone.... Having fun one day and then it got boring the next. She's now lost in the abyss with the L Word characters, Tim, Lara and the rest of those nobodies...

i will miss her cooking though :'-(


There's this girl or should I say WOMAN, that I've met on a previous occassion about 2 months ago, but didnt really get the time to know being that we were at a poetry event. Im going to call her S... I think S is a very attractive woman and I had really wish I had to get to know her, but anywho.... Apparently, she had asked my bestfriend about me the other night.. specifically she asked her my name after she described me. Coincidentally I asked my betfriend about her too, low and behold we see each other again at the same place..

Of course my bestfriend gives me the scoop, guess what i found out... She is the ex gf of my bestfriends current "gf"... DAMN YOU SMALL LESBIAN COMMUNITY!!!!

This information of course makes me hesitate but, the world didnt stop rotating when it found out the sun didnt revolve around it, so why should I.

Anyway, I really dig this chick cuz she seems to be very smart, attractive and woohoo older. She's got her own place and THANK GOODNESS not living in the closet.

I'm not trying to get horribly serious with this, just kick it. I only really wanna move passed my ex because I still feel like im exerting more energy in caring about her lovingly, than she does about me. Of course not intentionally but time heals all wounds if you stop cutting them open.

I'm definately ready to meet someone who is on "my level". BUT I AM IN NO RUSH TO FALL IN LOVE.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Bulimia Nervosa

SoO.. I think I may have a small bit of a problem.

This weekend, I stuffed my face so hard I got s tomach ache and yet I
couldn't stop eating. J had to literall wrestle the half bowl of cereal
from my hands as I begged to sip the milk. Anyone who knows me knows
that my stomach can be filled quite quickly with just three tspns of
rice. I ate more than any man I've known. My stomach hurt and I felt
nauseous. Even now, I only ate a waffle and my stomach feels really

Then on the weekdays, I try my best to keep the calories down and even
exercise a bit. I guess to even out my weekend binges. I've concluded
that I might be suffering from bulimia nervosa.. And no I do not throw
up. But I do crash diet and then binge. I've been told I do both on an
unhealthy level, that's the only reason I say bulimia nervosa and not
"treating myself on the weekends"

Im on my way to work right now.. I really don't want to go (when do I
ever). To be honest though, at this point its better than staying at
home and doing absolutely nothing.

Talk more later.. Peaces!
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Friday, March 6, 2009

Omg a So Far Good Friday

I'm feeling pretty damn great today.

It's Friday, all of my bosses God Awful Newspapers have come in, so I dont have to sweat at my small desk wondering how I'm going to find the missing ones.

I look great and even woke up before my alarm clock.

And the greatest thing about today is ... drum roll...


Thats right... no going straight home for me this weekend. I admit, they are with my ex, but we are really cool

(as cool as just departed exes can be :-\)

Tonight I'm taking her to this poetry spot for Lesbians of Color called Rivers of Honey. And I will be surprising her with a poem that I have dutilly memorized in an attempt to reenact my own version of Love Jones :-)

Gosh I'm so smooth.. I'm even wearing all back with my locs hangin down and black eye liner on..

Yes, this is an attempt to WORK IT... lol

Although I am sittin here starvin to death because I unfortuantely would rather get a few extra minutes of sleep than sustenance, I am in a very good mood praying to goodness gracious that I dont fuck up reading this poem tonight.

Wish me Luck!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Cool New Kinda Chick and Seemingly Good Friend

I'm @ work, and I'm reading my Rachel Morgan series. Its so confusing because all this Harry Potter language that the author is using is confusing the shits outta me. I dislike when authors explain what they are talking about later in the books, because then Ihave to read it over with this new understanding.... I'm so impatient lol.

Anyway, I've been talking to this cool kinda chica named Shara. She's really nice and even knows sign language. The thing is, when I'm around people for too long I start to get irritated. Dont ask me why. I had hung out with her all day, and she is really nice, but I still got cranky, is it just me or am I like schizo or some shit.

She made me some really good beef chunks because I got the munchies at like 1.30am after drinking most of the night. I was very appreciative. I am definately trying to get out and meet more people and not cut myself off because I'm so antisocial. This is after my retreat though.. I want to come out new and fresh.

I just dont want anyone to get the wrong idea about my being outgoing and take that as an invitation to a newfound relationship. I just want to have friends and let everything else come naturally. but i really just want friends first. I think building that strong bond is important first.

I'm trying not to revert back to my old ways of thinking and be openminded towards her and be a good friend. I appreciate the fact that I just met her and there's no held grudges or pressure to be with her (for all those UHAUL lesbians, lol) . Just enjoying hanging out, and its a relief and a breath of fresh air. I do have regular friends but some of them make me feel like they want more.

I felt like I havent relaxed in ages, even she said I'm all tense and need to jus loosen up. Anyway, we are suppose to hang out and do random shit. She wants to go PaintBallin, I do too, but not with her :-( ...... I want to go roller skating or bowling.


A bit down with some Whiskey to follow

Everyone needs time to themselves. Some need a few seconds to regroup, some need a couple of months. I think I need a couple of days or weeks. I've become so entangled in other peoples feelings and emotions towards me, and I thought by putting myself out there, and giving everythig a positive chance, theres no reason why things wouldn't work out.

But sometimes, its not the right time, or others dont really care. I simply just dont know. I'm stressing, and I'm getting insomnia, then I'm tired all day. I'm so tired of being patient now because all my efforts aren't counting for shit. I'm done wanting to be wanted or seen.... I'm done. I thought that if I'm patient things will work.. But its not about patience, simply put; People either do or dont want to fuck with you. If they do they will make the effort to do so or at least not deny those pleasures, and if they dont then they simply wont.

I just need to leave for a bit, I guess I'll see who will be around when I come back. Those are the people who cared, who are treasured. And the people who dont even notice will be a past memory.
I cant keep caring or pushing for things that dont even care or want me.

I'm not going to force anyone to try to make it work with me if they dont want to. I'm growing into a very interesting woman and would love to express it with those dear to me. I guess that would work better if they cared to know what your expressing.

I feel like my efforts to work with my father and build a relationship is the epitome of how shitty things are going for me, with the people around me. Wasted efforts, not a damn thing to show for it except a reminder of a "Rosie Past". I'm tired.... i exhaust myself.. I dont think it even matters to them whether I tried or not, because in the end, its what truly matters and is important to them, and you know what, I'm not one of them.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm my own bestfriend or my worst enemy.

This is so pathetic to say, but I wish I mattered to someone other than my mother and bff. And I mean really mattered, that I am one of the top things on their list. I remember when I got really sick in florida, and my bestfriend practically took off work for a week just to accompany to the hospital back and forth. I know she had to go to work and was probably on the verge of getting fired (I had to tell her to go to work and that I'll be okay). I was really down about how sick I had gotten because I was nauseous and stayed in the bed the entire time. She had cooked for me breakfast and dinner and tried to get me out of the house, and talked to me alot so I wont be so alone. Sometimes she would even come into the room and lock the door so we could just have Alone Time, and we'd light up a blunt and she would make alotta jokes. I appreciated that so much. She lives in Florida though :-( I know I'm like a sister to her and she loves me alot.

I usta have alot of love in my life only but a year ago, now it seems like things can change before you even know it. I'm glad Al came from Fla for the weekend just to spend her 21st Bday with me even though we couldnt do any clubbing since I wouldnt have been able to get in.

I need to be stronger though, I cant depend on people to stick around forever even if they promised. I should be enough for me. But if I was, then why am I even writing this??

Cuz I'm not enough for me. You cant surprise yourself with flowers or a Family Day Out.

I'm tired of being disappointed............... even The L Word has let me down lol

I'll drink to the United States of Tara though, the few pleasures in my life right now. Bottoms up!