Thursday, May 21, 2009

Feeling so Good!!

Feeling so Good!

Came back from hiking feeling sore and refreshed. I was grateful to be home and see my stinky cats. I was happy to feel a warm shower. Unfortunately my injuries and soreness lead me to 3 days of minimal movement, in which my cats turned my house upside down in a matter of minutes. They were hanging from the ceiling and breaking my plates. Goodness, they are so bad!

Anyway, I've been working on tensions and stress.. Slowly I'vve been letting go, and have been more positive. I realize that when I feel down, sitting and sulking or watching tele isnt going to lift my spirits as high as I need them to be. I need to do things that maske me feel powerful.

So here's some small ideas :

IHOP - oh yes, eating your pain is fine if you're not over weight

PAINTING - Dali incarnate

Scary Movies - Watchin other people's misery does make me a happier person! LOL

Okay thats all i can think of for now.. so what, short list

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Beginning of The End 1/5

I am coming to an end with this blog soon. I feel a new chapter is beginning in my life and with that, a new blog, lol.....

I believe that this blog has showed at least some improvement in myself and attitude towards things. I'm no longer, suicidal (lol), depressed, and miserable. I am still impatient, but I guess that is to be expected, its just me.

Last night I had an EPIPHANY.

I was dreaming that J had come back to me, she told me that she had made "A huge mistake". I wasnt happy or sad, just completely uncertain. In my dreams, I tend to be emotionally raw and truthful. It made me realize that I am not lying to myself or in denial about the uncertainty I feel towards her. I know I love her, and I know one day I'd love to be able to love her again, but not now.. maybe not even in this lifetime. We made love after that.. Shortly I woke up.

My heart felt like a huge void was ripped open in the center of it. It felt like a black hole had opened up. It hurt so bad, that I cried. 4:00am I was crying like a big baby because of this VOID that caused me so much pain.

I prayed to God to make the pain stop.

i knew that I wasnt in pain because I felt a loss for J, it was the void that I had took so long to heal that was killing me. As i prayed, (which is very rare) I slowly began to feel better. After about ten minutes or so I felt completely better, the void had become a bruise. I knew it was the dream that had tormented me, but I was glad I was well enough to go back to sleep.

I was worried that I'd wake up in heartache, but I didnt. I felt more excited to get through the days in order to start my hike.. which reminds me, I need to buy Gas for my stove UGgghh...

Anyway, during this prayer, the only thing that came to my mind was 1 word


I dont know where, or what it means.. but it kept coming to my mind.

"Just Go... and everything will eventually be ok."

I think thats what made me feel at peace, because I believed it.

In my attempt to GO, I must find Peace I believe... I know it will be difficult but I just know, its really the only way....

Because J has been the hardest strain on my heart and sometimes mind I've vritten this..

Dear J,

You have always been my bright and shining Knight.

I miss you completely, and I miss the way you usta make me feel.

You're a great person, and I hope you find true happiness one day.

For the first time, I genuinely want you to be happy, even if its not with me.

Sometimes I wish I could read your mind, so I knew the truth about how

you felt towards me. I hate cordial behavior we put on for each other, but

I guess thats why things have become so awkward. I thought that maybe if we communicated more then it would help, but it doesnt seem you are able to stick to that whatever the reason may be. For my own sanity, and from my exhaustion, my mind, heart and soul
has said good bye to you. I take after your example in the fact that I want to be

only about me now. I've kept a glimmer of hope unknowingly. Until last night,

I had been fighting with my thoughts about you, trying to keep it all at bay.

Secretly, I hoped you were going through the same struggle, but your answer

has always been the same "I dont know how to respond to that," whenever i've tried to be REAL with you,

I'm not mad it just made me more and more doubtful. I no longer hate you, not even a little bit.I have immense love for you. I hope we see each other again in a different light, whatever that might be. This year is a year for change. I know that when I join Corrections,

it'll be the complete transition and all of this will simply be put into my past and not

brought up again. I will remember always though.

Thank You for everything,

And I'll see you when I see you


It is Mid-May already...

July, I will be 21, and I'll be starting my new career (hopefully) as an officer. My mom has met most of her life friends and loves at the job. Who knows maybe I'll do the same. ((Besides, there are alot of lesbians that are officers, lol)

I already know that will be a new set of drama waiting to happen. ((Cant Wait))

Looking To the Future ------------

I have been offered a new job oppurtunity as a Flower Delivery Person... Imagine, from Receptionist of an Advertising Company to flower Delivery Girl... If you know me well enough, you wouldn't be so surprise lol.

Love for now is a Slow Go, but I'm always up for a challenge and cant wait. As much as it did hurt, I know that I wouldnt hesitate to do it again if I felt it was the right person. Little old me is gonna be a bit more choosey this time though lol SOrry Psycho's... I'm looking for my forever woman to eventually be with.. BUT DATES ARE STILL ACCEPTED!!! LOL nah just kidding, those shits are expensive, but I'm openminded.

I love my apartment so much, but after a few months at Corrections, I will be moving if I find the PERFECT loft for me. Investments Investments....

Anyway, for now I will cotinue my hikes, 9-6's, and sparatic litter change.


Chapter Finale almost coming to an end ....

Monday, May 11, 2009

'09 The Year of Fucked Upness

Is it just me or is '09 just a simply fucked up year?

The list of shit that has happened so far.

1. The end of a nearly 3yr relationship

2. Meltdown because of number 1.

3. My landlord going through my apt. thus forcing me to find a new place

4. My job shows its true colors of EVIL

5. Extreme job cuts through the United States forcing me to stay at EVIL job

6. Depression and loneliness is trying to kick my butt

Over all its been a pretty hard year, but I'm trying to stay tough and
face the strong winds and storm. I'm so used to having a partner that would
be my reprieve and give me the strength to continue.... People come and go
though, that's life.

I'm sitting here at work trying my best not to cry... and the only person that I
have to vent to is the MAIL GUY.

I strongly am considering (when I have the money) to drop off the face
of the Earth. Change my number, email, and just GO. I dont know where,
but I'm tired of being around the people and things that bring me stress,
physically, mentally and emotionally.... I know there will be stresses in the world,
I'm not so naive, but at least the stresses that I've chosen to keep around me, I can
let go of.

Easier said then done since I still love a few of those things, but hopefully TIME will be an ally.

Hmm... I wonder if things will always be so difficult...

Friday, May 8, 2009

20 Going on 30

Feeling excruciatingly tired. Today is my mothers graduation, then tomorrow @ 7am I am delivering flowers. Doing the same thing on Sunday as well. I really want to enjoy my weekend but between Mothers day, Family Visiting and Delivery, i doubt I'll be doing much of that.

I'm planning on going hiking next weekend anyway.

I had to cancel it this weekend because of my mothers graduation and Mothers Day.

I am kinda upset because, my mom told me nto to forget to buy everyone a Mothers Day card. I mean it wasnt anything to get upset about, but i feel that if I give, its because I want to give not because some Hallmark holiday told me too. I hate feeling obligated to do things.


Rapper Chick's party was quite boring. Physically she is my type, mentally I wanna slap her. She is extremely self absorbed. I thought you had to at least make your first million before you became arrogant... Guess I was wrong....

She invited me to another party, but I highly doubt I'll go. I did like staying out late but being around her is not my ideal way of spending my time on Earth.

Her and I have text back and forth, but in the end it means nothing.

Sometimes I really do miss the feeling of a secure relationship, other times I miss when I was happy that I wasn't some Love Sick woman. Love has definately changed my views on people and the idea of family. Corrections will be starting soon (if I get accepted), my first step into permanency. The job I may retire from is only but a few months away.

  • Did I grow up too fast?

I'm only 20, and sometimes I feel as if I'm 30.

I dont relate to many of my peers because I'm simply not interested in the

'next club thats free for ladies til 9'.

I'm happy at home with my movies, cats, and sparatic cultural events.

LoL, I just read the last line.. Damn I sound like an old lady. But i enjoy it, and thats what matters to me. I am not opposed to hanging out, partying and even taking a 'hit' here and there, but it definately is not the highlight of my life.

Sometimes I do feel bad that I cant be "the young chick partying".

I really do feel alone most of the time.

But you know what, Gotta stay Positive, no matter what.... My ultimate happiness will come again one day. It has too......

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Randomness again WITH PICTURES lol

Ok, so quick post... I am dressed to kill... as usual lol...

Sometimes I wish I was a HOT ASSASSIN. (WoW, really random)

Anyway.. I did my locs very nice. I love doin my hair. My locs mean so much to me.

I wish I had the patience to take care of them better.

So here's a pic :

Its just a stylish funky way of doing flat twist with my locs.

Oh, and my cats are SOO adorable. Bad as fuck though. Bedrock had a cold. Oh yeah there names are Bedrock and Ariel. Bedrock had a cold but is better now. I thought all his meowing was because he was sick, but no he's just annoying. He talks so much and I indulge him... :-(

Anyway, now that he's better and is so bad. He attacks my feet. He always wants to wrestle and be thrown. ITs sooo hilarious.. He's soo energetic. Although sometimes his playfulness is annoying because its a 24/7 thing. In the middle of the night I wake up to him in my face meowing about something thats probably not important. If i respond back, it would end up being an all night conversation.

Ariel on the other hand is classy. She's alil sick right now though because she caught Bedrocks cold. But over all she likes to lounge in comfortable spots and watch you. She loves bein brushed. I love her too. She is such a laadddyyyyy....

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I'll Go, But its Whatever... *Yawn*

Okay, So i HAVE to blog this...

I dont remember the exact date Rapper Chick messaged me, (Thursday maybe?), but she actually text me again today to give me the info of the restaurant. To be honest, I thought that she might've sent out a mass txt (and I still do think that), but she actually remembered to ssend me the info, (which aslo probably was a mass txt). Anyway, I asked her if i should bring anything, and how should I dress. She said dress casual, and everything is already taken care of @ the restaurant. She also said I could bring a friend (a bit disappointing actually, cuz that means theres gonna be ALOT of people). Then I said "Ok, not that I'm mad or anything, but why are you inviting me? Its mad random".

Her Response Verbatum:

"Honestly, I had ur number in my phone and it said "cutie with glasses" an dI was thinking... I have to see this woman. LoL. I know we met at Rivers, but I'm drawing a blank. But for me to keep ur number in my phone, we must've connected. I'm curious...I guess. And I want to see if you'll really come".

As flattered as I was... The truth is




Anywho, I'm gonna go for a short while and see whats up. I'm not planning on staying for the whole thing. I'm not interested. I just wanna go out, see her response (if there is 1) and BizOunce. At least no 1 can say I stay home all day....

Now to decide, WHAT TO WEAR

Friday, May 1, 2009

The Rapper Chick

Last night, I recieved a random text from this girl who I met at Rivers of Honey , my favorite lesbian poetry spot. Let me give you a brief throwback of this girl who I will call "rapper chick".

I met her back in I believe November or December, cant really remember. She was doing a rap performance which ended up being VERY good. You can tell she was really serios about being promoted and all that other good stuff, I believe she even has a manager. Anyway, she reminded me alot of J , (sad but true), it was one of the main reasons I asked her for her number.

So I text her sparatically but she would never tell me anything about herself. Obviously she was gay or she wouldnt be at Rivers of honye, but she wouldnt tell me her name, age or anything. Finally I got fed up of this Mystery Woman thing she was putting on, so I deleted her number after onlye a mere 3 days of stupid text.

Now, its May 1st. She texts me, and asks me to come to a dinnr party that she is having. I was surprised because I didnt expect to hear from her again, and still dont understand why she is texting me. I asked if it was a Promotional thing, and she said no, a movie (Cooley High) and dinner. I told her I'd think about it and to text me the info later when the time was near.

This is suppose to be happening on Wednesday, but we will see.....

I'll go just to get out of the house, and to see her face again (I forgot what she looks like a little, I remember she had a sexy smile), but I mostly wanna see if she really was as attratcive as I thought or was I blinded by the reminder of my X.