Callouses

I think my heart is becoming one big callous. Sometimes I barely could feel my heart beat because its so low. I think i've become immuned to sadness to be honest. I have been depressed most of my life and suffered through a major break up which I thought I'd never recover from. Even now, I still wear those scars. I kinda feel like I've tried "love", and its a powerful thing; more then I realized. I respect it for what it is, but I do not want a new love unless its my family.

I still want a baby though, but as i usually add, not anytime soon. I want to start Corrections and finish my 3yr probation before I have a baby. At least my head will be clear and I will be more then financially comfortable. I love the name Junvier, the French pronounciation of Guiniveire. and I know its quite silly, but I really like the name Atreyu, like from the neverending story.

My mother never liked any of the "weird" names I came up with anyway. But if I gotta carry it for 9 months, the least I can do is name the lil sucker.

So let's see...

Oh yeah... the degrading thing that happened to me this morning. For the first time, my boss came in early and no one was here, except me. Usually his personal assistant makes his oatmeal, but she wasn't in yet. So by default I was TOLD I'd have to make it.

IVE NEVER EVEN MADE OATMEAL FOR MYSELF, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO MAKE IT FOR THIS GROWN ASS MAN!!! To make matters even worst, I was told to bring it to him while he was in his meeting with other people. So of course I was embarrassed as fuck serving this grown man oatmeal, while everyone looked at my servitude.

I so need to find a new job, but with the economy being shit, that doesnt seem likely unless Corrections hires me. I even stopped smoking weed, my last day was last weekend... yes the entire weekend was my last day.

I ate so much munchies that I got a stomach ache for 3days. It was harsh! J said that I ate enough food to last me three full fat peoples days. I barely eat a sandwhich a day so I was in alot of pain. I had just about 30 Wings.... Just thinking about it though makes me wanna lick my lips lol. But I'm trying to work on my ?2 pac? Well at least my stomach is VERY flat. I havent excercised in a while... I was disappointed in myself for struggling through 100 crunches.

But anyway, a 3day weekend is coming up Thank Gawd! It seems like Saturdays only last for four hours and Sundays are take out your clothes for work day.

Gosh I wanna go hiking and free my self from the pain of everyday existence.

FunK MoOD

I've been in a small kind of funk as of lately........

I dont know what it is. Between :

• my job,




• the mommy blues,




• my apartment




• my hiking business




• my ex..

I've been nothing but a jumble of emotions.

I work long hours, but luckily not laborous.

I have plans on how I want my future to be, and after feeling what love is

like and can be, I feel kinda lonely lately. I'm very into living my life, my way

without the influences of other. But I cant help but to glance back at that distant

window of that possible "fairytale" future that brought a smile to my face.

For the first time in my life, I understood and felt the excitement of what it

means to live the life of Pleasantville.

Dont get me wrong I'm not that naive,

but I've never saw anything positive about having children, buying a house

or even getting married. It all seemed like Bollix Bullshit. In less than 3 mnths

the window was shut and the curtains was closed, and for while, as I looked back

on my previous existence everything seemed so bleak and hollow. Now I'm trying to decorate

that little hollow space with my own sad versions of that fairytale sight.

How do things change so quickly?

I guess its true what they say "You're born alone, so live alone, then die alone"

I hope it isnt true. I feel like I do alot of hoping. ........ .

LoL if worst comes to worst maybe I'll have a baby with my bestfriend, LMAO!!!

WOW THAT WAS GAY!

My apartment does not get an acceptable amount of sunlight in the living room, and it makes

me so annoyed and I dont wanna go in there cuz I feel depressed. I think a studio apt will be fine for me. I'm thinking about moving, but I'm not going to tell many people.

I'm trying to get my hiking business underway, but unfortunately I must depend on

other people for help and they dont take it as seriously as I do (obviously)....

**Sigh**

On a lighter note... I was invited to a sexy lingerie party by my lesbian girlfriends on 2/13...

Eat your heart out boys.. LoLzZ

Jobs... Working... Blah....

My next venture for a job is Babysitting.

W8! I'm not finished!

Manhattan Babysitting..... I'm trying to pay bills. I am sOo tired of working at a desk job, shit if I can get this babysitting gig, maybe I'll have time to do my hiking. Hiking has been the biggest thing on my mind lately.

This year is all about hiking and Corrections...

Right now as I sit at this desk job, I feel completely exhausted as if I'm wasting my life. I cant see why any person would want to do this as a career whether they are making their bills or not. They have to feel like something is missing or that they didnt fulfill their purpose. I dunno.. Maybe I'm relating too much of my own experience on others..

I do wish I had a twin sister that I can relay these feelings to and they would possibly understand. It seems like modern day life is way too boring.

No one has many adventures anymore, and when they do its because their job allowed them time to do so. I think that's utter BULL.

U give time to your job, not the other way around.

You dont NEED that organic pita bread to survie. I bet most of us could survive off of grass if we were really starving to death, although I'm no t going to be the one to test that theory.

Ho Hum... Another day, another slave dollar....

Single and Loving it....

Where to begin.....

So I've been taking a HUGE break from love and such...
I think my heart deserves to mend itself,
and for the first time in a long time,
I enjoy being single.
I talk to people here and there, but
nothing serious at the moment. Although I am being openminded....
My greatest love right now is myself though :-)
It should always be like that, and i hope to maintain it.
My Mommy Blues has gone down significantly compared to the last couple
of weeks. As a matter f fact I havent thought of it at all until last night.

I had a dream that I had a son, and I didnt even know I was pregnant.
I dont know my sons name, but there was alot of Daddy Not Cooperating Drama.
I guess I've been watching to much Maury.

But anywho, I always said I didnt
mind what I'd get, son or daughter, but i'd prefer a daughter.
So I see i have this son, and in an instant, I love this little boy with all my heart.
I am proud to have a son and wouldn't change it for the world. He called me Mommy
and when I called for him, He came to me right away. My friend told him to go to his mommy,
and he crawled over to me and I loved holding him close to me.
It was a WoW, This is not the right time kinda dream.

I'm trying to ignore those kinda things or feelings because that' something I'm not ready for.
One day, just not one day too soon.

Anyway, to more trivial things....
I went on a "shopping spree" at Macy's... I spent like 150$ and only bought a few things
but i did buy two sexy dresses which i plan to wear tonight for this dinner I am having.

My sister i going to be cooking. She's only 15 but she can throw down. I am only assisting, i'm the non cooking one in the family. I use The Feminist Movement as an excuse, hee hee....

Anyway, with the economy going awry, I'm hoping that I can still do Corrections in March. So I've been smoking my brains out like no other before March. I even learned how to roll a blunt. Well I rolled my first one recently all by myself with no instruction and it was pretty good.
Maybe I wanted it real bad, or i'm a natural.. LoL

Anyway, I'm at work, and I cant wait til its over already! TGIF

Self Indulgence

Sometimes, I think of myself as this wonderful misunderstood adventurer
who lives the life that many people only dream of behind their cubicle.
I think that with this wonderful life, it has to be balanced out with
some kind of bad.. I will never be with anyone because of who I am. Its
my downfall also. Their cubicle may be boring but its safe. It means
food, a home, safety and security. My trails hold no promises.

I feel like such an outsider in my own life. I meet random people and
take part in whatever they bring to life that I like. And as time moves
on their presence stays in my past.

I indulge myself in everything and everyone that passes my way that is
in my reach. Even when I don't want it I can't say no. Like a crack
addict I feed this monster of an addiction. Its like another person
inside me that craves to burst out.

I know I can hurt people and I know that my addiction can lead to my
demise. I don't want that. I want to be normal.

Please let me be normal, take these addictions away....

First realizaton of being a WOMAN

Today I had the "baby blues"
Usually when I have the baby blues, I need to babble it out of my
system. Luckily my future sperm donor offered his ear. We talked about
the baby, and his role and girls lol. Its weird, almost taboo even to
say the word 'baby'. I got nervous and uncomfortable when he casually
said stuff like 'our baby'. I don't plan on getting pregnant anytime
this year but still, I felt ashamed about talking of such things. All my
life any mention of babies was a bad thing, but now that im older when I
mention it, its okay now. And yet im still afraid to talk about as if I
were a 14 yr old girl that belonged on Maury.

I hold my stomach sometimes as if the baby was already there. It scares
me that I do that. I was always the first one to scream out how I would
never have a baby or get married. Yet here I was on baby sites googling
preggo diets. I guess things do change when ur older. I talked to my
mother about the way I've been feeling, she says as long as im
financially stabile then why not. I know my mother would be there for
me. Im a woman now she says. And for the 1st time I realized its really
true. Im no longer a girl.
Saying the word 'baby' makes my lips tingle just like the first time I
ever cursed. You look around to see who heard you and smile secretly at
the sensation the word just brought to your lips.
"baby".....

Its not going to happen any time soon, but still I can't help but to
imagine my life as a mom. I wonder what kind I would be.

=)

"Baby".....

Gina

Pulled to the Wire

Once again, its been awhile since my last post and there's so much I want to bitch about at the moment.

1. My Job - I cannot stand for the life of me, working for someone else. I hate having a boss, and I hate assistant bosses that think they are the boss. You cant tell them off when they are too fucking lazy to do their own job and you canttell them off when they make you do the job. KNow why? Cuz then its ur ass getting fired for being the lazy shit.

I am trying so hard to come up with ideas on how to become an Entrepeneur. It is taking time but I know eventually I will do it. I have no money and frankly, I'm running out of ideas that can keep me afloat while pursuing the life of an entrepreneur.

2. My Apartment - My landlord is trying to find me a roomie, so Ive had to keep the place clean so she can show it to whomever. It sucks becase I have no say in who is going to get that other room. God forbid she tortures animals or bashes gays.

3. The Annoying CoWorker - This guy on my job for some reason thinks he's the most adorable thing since the Plush Teddy Bear. Maybe 40 years ago he was, but when ur just a fat annoying guy that delivers mail and doent understand what Shut The fuck Up means, ur not cute or adorable anymor, so stop saying you are!!

To be honest, I'm mostly just stressed, very much. I really want to work for myself. But it seems so hard to get started when you have bills to pay. The thing that sucks is that I am young enough, I am not in debt and I'm very willing. Ive been thinking when I have saved up enough I may give up my apartment or some thing. I dont know. Al my bestfriend since spermhood wants me to move in with her. Her and I get a hosue together in Florida, but I am just not sure. That sounds nice but I have no idea how I will get established. I have a dream and dont know if that can be pursued out there. Plus, I'm kinda scared to get a house with Al. Sometimes she makes me nervous. I have a patterned history of my bestfriends falling for me that are straight, then they freak out and leave me alone. I love Al to death, but I dont want that to happen between her and I.

********Roll the Eyes**********

I'm so tired of being stressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled to the wire cuz I'm not doing what I feel I'm meant to do. I was born i the wrong century. I was better off when people were still roaming the wild and migrating from place to place.