Thursday, January 8, 2009

First realizaton of being a WOMAN

Today I had the "baby blues"
Usually when I have the baby blues, I need to babble it out of my
system. Luckily my future sperm donor offered his ear. We talked about
the baby, and his role and girls lol. Its weird, almost taboo even to
say the word 'baby'. I got nervous and uncomfortable when he casually
said stuff like 'our baby'. I don't plan on getting pregnant anytime
this year but still, I felt ashamed about talking of such things. All my
life any mention of babies was a bad thing, but now that im older when I
mention it, its okay now. And yet im still afraid to talk about as if I
were a 14 yr old girl that belonged on Maury.

I hold my stomach sometimes as if the baby was already there. It scares
me that I do that. I was always the first one to scream out how I would
never have a baby or get married. Yet here I was on baby sites googling
preggo diets. I guess things do change when ur older. I talked to my
mother about the way I've been feeling, she says as long as im
financially stabile then why not. I know my mother would be there for
me. Im a woman now she says. And for the 1st time I realized its really
true. Im no longer a girl.
Saying the word 'baby' makes my lips tingle just like the first time I
ever cursed. You look around to see who heard you and smile secretly at
the sensation the word just brought to your lips.

Its not going to happen any time soon, but still I can't help but to
imagine my life as a mom. I wonder what kind I would be.




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