Plans.. Oh Sweet Plans

I love 2 hike... did I mention that I love to hike? Well I really do..

I am known as a "free spirited""feminist hippie" (quoted by those
dearest to me) and my so called labels deemed me this for the simple
fact that, in May I am planning to not only quit my job but risk my
not-so-great-situation apartment. The reason I am doing this besides the
fact that I dislike all of the above, is because I want to go hiking and
be stress free for awhile that bad.

My plan does not sound like the smartest but I assure you it works out
because it makes sense to me. I find that's my Karma or Lifestyle that
works well particularly for me.

Im planning on becoming a Correctional Officer. The class for me starts
in July if it doesn't get cancelled because of the NYC freeze. I am
hoping that my tax return will at least be big enough to hold me til
july. If not, I will move out and live with my sperm donor in virginia.
As much as I dislike the idea, it makes sense. It will give me time to
wait out corrections.

I really wanna get a new place mostly because waiting for a new roomate
sucks and keeps me on edge plus I eventually want 2 get 2 cats or 2
dogs. Im fighting for a cat right now.. Its killin me cuz I badly need
something to nurture.

Maybe havin a dog or cat will take away this nurturing feeling. Ggrrr!!
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Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Puzzle Pieces

I believe that everyones life fits together as a puzzle piece. Each
person we meet has a certain place in that puzzle. Whether it be the
person who trains us for work, or the girl you have a one night stand
with in the Starbucks bathroom. Everyone has their place. Sometimes our
personal puzzles change forcing others to leave or rearrange themselves.
For ex: a friend that becomes a girlfriend, her puzzle piece becomes
bigger, more dominant and it forces the most insignificant pieces like
those random booty calls that mightve once been there no longer has a
place in the new puzzle.

Some of us want so bad to fit into other personal puzzles. Some of us on
the other hand couldn't really give two shits.

My puzzle has always been a bit complicated but I try to find a place fo
everyone if I can. There's only a few puzzles that I want to truly have
a place in and out of all of them, there's only 1 puzzle that I don't
seem to have a place.

** sigh **

Gina
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Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

3 L's or 4 for Let Go

How far do you let the 3 L's take you?

• Love
• Lust
• Like

I think I've gone out of my way for the 3 L's just a little too much. And knowing this, still hasnt change the fact that I still do it til this very day. Gosh it bothers me soo much how out of my way I will go.

Sometimes I wanna say "Fuck it" and forget about the whole thing. I mean when it comes down to it, who really gives a fuck at he end of the day whether I went that extra mile, or mentioned to "you" how you make me feel. Only me.

I am so exhausted of feeling like I'm the only one willing to go more then a mile, but a plane trip away for the ONE sweet person. Maybe I'm my one sweet person.

AM I just being selfish? I know that everyone has their life, future and past to deal with. But it always seems like people are just Dealing instead of just living.

Everyone in my life is Dealing, except my mother, and maybe thats why I have been gravitating towards her recently. A breath of fresh air from someone who has life problems but doesnt let it make up what their life is about. I like that alot. I hope never to end up Dealing with life.

I vow to get out more and meet some new people.

A Poem to My Once Beloved Night Sky

Dear Night Sky

Night sky, you are the epitome of contradiction

Your stars shine bright making me believe that everything is calm

Yet

When I look at you, my eyes fill with tears.

The waves crash hard telling a different story of you night sky

Today is one of those nights my dear night sky

You trick me again

Like an inundation my eyes overflow

because although I thought I was used to the sadness you're capable

I find myself fighting back those tears you bring me

I guess I hoped, my lovely night sky, that this time

will be different

Dear Night Sky,

I close the curtains on your shine

and forever more I hope to never feel the power you once possessed over me

Night Sky

I bid you farewell....

Callouses

I think my heart is becoming one big callous. Sometimes I barely could feel my heart beat because its so low. I think i've become immuned to sadness to be honest. I have been depressed most of my life and suffered through a major break up which I thought I'd never recover from. Even now, I still wear those scars. I kinda feel like I've tried "love", and its a powerful thing; more then I realized. I respect it for what it is, but I do not want a new love unless its my family.

I still want a baby though, but as i usually add, not anytime soon. I want to start Corrections and finish my 3yr probation before I have a baby. At least my head will be clear and I will be more then financially comfortable. I love the name Junvier, the French pronounciation of Guiniveire. and I know its quite silly, but I really like the name Atreyu, like from the neverending story.

My mother never liked any of the "weird" names I came up with anyway. But if I gotta carry it for 9 months, the least I can do is name the lil sucker.

So let's see...

Oh yeah... the degrading thing that happened to me this morning. For the first time, my boss came in early and no one was here, except me. Usually his personal assistant makes his oatmeal, but she wasn't in yet. So by default I was TOLD I'd have to make it.

IVE NEVER EVEN MADE OATMEAL FOR MYSELF, WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO MAKE IT FOR THIS GROWN ASS MAN!!! To make matters even worst, I was told to bring it to him while he was in his meeting with other people. So of course I was embarrassed as fuck serving this grown man oatmeal, while everyone looked at my servitude.

I so need to find a new job, but with the economy being shit, that doesnt seem likely unless Corrections hires me. I even stopped smoking weed, my last day was last weekend... yes the entire weekend was my last day.

I ate so much munchies that I got a stomach ache for 3days. It was harsh! J said that I ate enough food to last me three full fat peoples days. I barely eat a sandwhich a day so I was in alot of pain. I had just about 30 Wings.... Just thinking about it though makes me wanna lick my lips lol. But I'm trying to work on my ?2 pac? Well at least my stomach is VERY flat. I havent excercised in a while... I was disappointed in myself for struggling through 100 crunches.

But anyway, a 3day weekend is coming up Thank Gawd! It seems like Saturdays only last for four hours and Sundays are take out your clothes for work day.

Gosh I wanna go hiking and free my self from the pain of everyday existence.

FunK MoOD

I've been in a small kind of funk as of lately........

I dont know what it is. Between :

• my job,




• the mommy blues,




• my apartment




• my hiking business




• my ex..

I've been nothing but a jumble of emotions.

I work long hours, but luckily not laborous.

I have plans on how I want my future to be, and after feeling what love is

like and can be, I feel kinda lonely lately. I'm very into living my life, my way

without the influences of other. But I cant help but to glance back at that distant

window of that possible "fairytale" future that brought a smile to my face.

For the first time in my life, I understood and felt the excitement of what it

means to live the life of Pleasantville.

Dont get me wrong I'm not that naive,

but I've never saw anything positive about having children, buying a house

or even getting married. It all seemed like Bollix Bullshit. In less than 3 mnths

the window was shut and the curtains was closed, and for while, as I looked back

on my previous existence everything seemed so bleak and hollow. Now I'm trying to decorate

that little hollow space with my own sad versions of that fairytale sight.

How do things change so quickly?

I guess its true what they say "You're born alone, so live alone, then die alone"

I hope it isnt true. I feel like I do alot of hoping. ........ .

LoL if worst comes to worst maybe I'll have a baby with my bestfriend, LMAO!!!

WOW THAT WAS GAY!

My apartment does not get an acceptable amount of sunlight in the living room, and it makes

me so annoyed and I dont wanna go in there cuz I feel depressed. I think a studio apt will be fine for me. I'm thinking about moving, but I'm not going to tell many people.

I'm trying to get my hiking business underway, but unfortunately I must depend on

other people for help and they dont take it as seriously as I do (obviously)....

**Sigh**

On a lighter note... I was invited to a sexy lingerie party by my lesbian girlfriends on 2/13...

Eat your heart out boys.. LoLzZ

Jobs... Working... Blah....

My next venture for a job is Babysitting.

W8! I'm not finished!

Manhattan Babysitting..... I'm trying to pay bills. I am sOo tired of working at a desk job, shit if I can get this babysitting gig, maybe I'll have time to do my hiking. Hiking has been the biggest thing on my mind lately.

This year is all about hiking and Corrections...

Right now as I sit at this desk job, I feel completely exhausted as if I'm wasting my life. I cant see why any person would want to do this as a career whether they are making their bills or not. They have to feel like something is missing or that they didnt fulfill their purpose. I dunno.. Maybe I'm relating too much of my own experience on others..

I do wish I had a twin sister that I can relay these feelings to and they would possibly understand. It seems like modern day life is way too boring.

No one has many adventures anymore, and when they do its because their job allowed them time to do so. I think that's utter BULL.

U give time to your job, not the other way around.

You dont NEED that organic pita bread to survie. I bet most of us could survive off of grass if we were really starving to death, although I'm no t going to be the one to test that theory.

Ho Hum... Another day, another slave dollar....